God’s vacation
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”
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St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”
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God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”
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“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”
“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”
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“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”
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Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sеx. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus flооzy. “Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,” he explained. “This girl really knows how to go from there.” The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out:
“God, I sure would like to have a little рussy.”
“I would, too,” the girl sighed. “Mine’s the size of a bucket!”
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hеll. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Sатаn, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hеll.
God, always fair, told the devil, “The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don’t you know all the ‘good’ players go to heaven?”
The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs’…”
A guy goes to a whоrеhоusе and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”
The guy walks down, sees Betsy - she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his diск - like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.
The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs