Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, "We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you're in for free." So God asks the first guy his story. "I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started ваnging on my door. They wouldn't open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting nакеd, but the man wasn't in sight. I went to the balcony, where I saw a nакеd man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died." God replies,
"Wow, that's pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass." The second guy says, "God, my only сriме was that I enjoyed dancing nакеd in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony. Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!" God replies,
"Wow, that's very cruel, being crushed to death." The third man says,
"I died nакеd in a fridge."
You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'
Don’t eat turkey sandwiches, no matter what ! !
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
They both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through
The fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich
Wasn’t a turkey sandwich.
He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating turkey, don’t you like it anymore?’
She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’
‘Why?’ he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little
Feathers down there!’
‘Let me see’ he said.
‘Okay’ and she showed him. He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better
Not eat any more turkey.’
He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut
Butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating turkey
Sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’ She asked if she
Could look, so he showed her!
She said, ‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the NECK and Giblets!!
And God said to Adam - I will make you a woman.
What is a woman Lord?
God replies, “A woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without complaining. She will provide every sеxuаl fantasy you will ever think of and meet all your sеxuаl needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”
“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”
“Not so fast,” said the Lord, “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”
“How much,” asked Adam
“An arm and leg,” God replied.
Adam thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest is history!
Little kids are smarter than grownups. Let me tell you something -- I have a niece; when this child was five, I'm thinkin' she's just a baby. Oh, no -- she walked up to me, she said, 'Aunty, do you know what lеsвiаns are?' I said, 'Do you?' She said, 'Uh huh, lеsвiаns are two women who love each other. We love each other, don't we, Aunty?' 'Oh God, yeah, we do, baby. Go on, put on the kd lang. Let's dance.'
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said,
"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy сrар" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the сrаск of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said,
"I don't want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life." She said,
"You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"