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God

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Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said,
"I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you."
"You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?"
"Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle."
"That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked,
"Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?"
"That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud."
"A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?"
"Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."
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I had a scare last time flying into San Juan. We lost cabin pressure, and instead of oxygen masks, rosary beads dropped out of the ceiling.
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Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
But he does have witnesses... Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
"Look at that guy," Jesus says,
"He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
"No," God says,
"I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
"That's right, son, indeed it is.... And because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."
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A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. “My God! How long have you been smoking?” screams the father.
“Since I lost my virginity,” replies the girl. …
“You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hеll did this happen?” shrieks the father. …
“I don’t remember,” says the girl. “I was drunк out of my gourd.”
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The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me -- this is awesome!'
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In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
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Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.
"We are a religious family, Mr. Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"
Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
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Poor Jesus. First he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.
‘Yeah right!’ she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.  Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunк from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
Snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband’s testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, ‘I don’t know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!
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Why did god invent alcohol?
So fат women can get laid too!
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Mormons -- man, that is one 'm' away from 'morons.'
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I was working a club once, and the waitress came up to one of my buddies, and she goes, 'I really want to sleep with Geoff Keith.' That's me! And then she goes -- I swear to God -- 'But I just know that he's way out of my league.' Does any guy in here have a league? I don't have a league. I'm like the rec center: open to the public. All you have to do is live nearby and sign up.
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Why does lightning exist?
God is taking a selfie.
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Boy, that was one shoe endorsement the people at Nike never saw coming.
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“Father Michael!” I shouted to the elderly priest, “Father Michael! It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello Brian,” he responded by taking my outstretched hand. “It’s been a long time. I’m surprised you seem so pleased to see me… You know, after what happened the last time we were together.”
I sensed his apprehension. “It’s ok Father.. I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“I wish I could feel the same,” he said quietly. “I should have known better. I’m really sorry if it’s any consolation. I ask God for forgiveness every single night.”
“Seriously Father.. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty.”
“Don’t,” I replied, “I was the silly fсuкеr who asked her to marry me.”
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Just remember, every day is a gift from God.
Well except for Monday..
Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky ваsтаrd.
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A son asks his mother " Is Jesus perfect?"
The mother responds "Yes"
Then the son asks " Is God perfect?"
The mother responds "Yes"
Then he asks "Are you perfect?"
The mother says "Yes!"
Then finally the son asks "Is dad?"
Immediately the mother responds "NO!"
The son then says "Why is that?"
The mom responds saying "Because he forgot his соndом and made you!"
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A priest, a wizard, and an engineer are sentenced to be beheaded. The priest is first and is offered a final request, to which he asks to pray. After saying a few words, he steps up to the guillotine. The blade falls, and an inch above his neck, its stops. He yells wildly "My God has saved me", and seeing this miracle, his captors release him. The wizard steps up, and he in turn asks to say a few words before his death. He says a few words in an unknown tongue, points at the guillotine, and then puts his head down to be lopped off. Again, an inch above his head the blade stops. He shouts wildly "my magic has saved me", and he is released. The engineer is than lead up to the block and says,
"For my last request, I would like to face up so I can see my death coming." He is placed looking up and just before they release the blade he shouts "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
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