A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back… ”
“Where are you going, соосhy cooh?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a вееr. ”
The wife said, “You want a вееr, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of вееr, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, loolie loolie…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?”
She took a huge вееr mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”
She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But sweet honey… At the bar… You know… there’s swearing, dirтy words and all that …”
“You want dirтy words, Cutie pie?… LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING ВЕЕR IN YOUR GOD-DАМN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?” ….
"Mommy, tomorrow I have an оrаl exam, and one question the teacher will ask me is 'who made you?' What should I say?" asked John.
"God made you, dear," replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor John forgot what his mother had said. So, he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my Daddy who made me, but then Mommy said it was someone else... and I can't remember the guy's name."
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'
There was this Antartian that wanted to take up a new winter hobby. She went to the library and started studying all about ice fishing. Finally, she went out on the ice, set up all her stuff, and sat down. All of a sudden, a bellowing voice from above said, 'There are no fish under the ice."
Startled, she got up and moved to a different spot. Right as she began to sit down, the voice from above spoke again, "There are no fish under the ice."
Frustrated, she got up and walked a long ways away onto a new patch of ice. She sat down and set up all of her gear. Once again, the voice spoke. "There are no fish under the ice."
Now the Antartian was very mad. "God, is that you? she asked.
"No! It's the manager of the ice skating rink." the voice replied.
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch реnis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch реnis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around'”