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A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”
The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem:
“Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your рескеr is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”
A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”
Doctor:
“Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
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Computer parts talk to one another:
“Look, I’m like the human brain,” says the microchip.
“Oh yeah, and I am like the eye,” says the web cam.
“Wow, I never thought about it but I am like a mouth,” says the speaker.
“Alright, let’s change the subject, shall we,” says the USB port.
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Water starts boiling at 212 F. But do you know when milk starts boiling?
The second you leave it for a little while.
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An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No you duмваss! It’s her husband!"
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Three guys are discussing which profession was the first in history.
The Mason claims, “Masons were the first. Without us, there’d be no houses.”
The baker argues, “No, no, people ate bread before they had houses. We were the first.”
The electrician smiles, “Wait a sec. Wasn’t the first thing God said ‘Let there be light?’”
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Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
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I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.
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My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much after half an hour so I just got up and right.
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What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
Sign language.
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I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running.
But it was just my lungs.
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My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine.
His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
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Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.
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“Does the defendant plead guilty or not guilty?”
“Not guilty.”
“Do you have some alibi?”
“What’s an alibi?”
“Has somebody seen you at the time of the robbery?”
“Oh, nobody, thank God.”
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I heard people say you can’t live without love.
I still think oxygen ranks higher.
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There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches and she wasn’t even happy.
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Lenin has never been seen drinking black tea. He firmly stuck to fruit blends. He believed all proper tea is immoral.
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How come there’s so much month left at the end of the money?
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Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?
A surname.
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