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A rushed tourist, panting loudly, covered in sweat, stops at a small house where an old guy sits in a rocking chair on the porch and asks him, “I’m sorry sir, can you tell me what’s the fastest way to get to the train station?”
“Ah yeah, no problem,” smiles the grandpa, “let me just untie the dogs.”

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The Boy Scouts called and said they cannot keep my son because he’s constantly lying and that goes against their core moral principles.
I told them they should give him a medal instead, because I never had children. I

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Went with my baby to the doctor. The doctor examined it and started mumbling that it doesn't look good. I was worried and asked him what was wrong with my baby. He said it’s totally fine, it just doesn't look good.

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We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.

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Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
Because it meant that Turkey crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China totally shattered to pieces.

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A new guy comes in a dorm late in the evening with his luggage and a buddy shows him around.
They come to a large gong in the hallway and the new guy asks what it’s doing there. “That’s a talking clock,” explains the buddy. “How so?”
“Let me demonstrate,” says the buddy and bangs the gong loudly.
In a second, a voice comes from one of the rooms, yelling, “Are you out of your head you rестuм-faced orang-utan?! It’s nearly midnight!”

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Yo girl, I put sеxy in dyslexia!

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A boy is getting desperate with a girl he has a crush on:
“What can I give you so you would allow me to kiss you?!”
“A full narcosis.”

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Doctor smiles at his patient, “That cough of yours sounds much better now, Mr. Pickett.”
Mr. Pickett looks at him darkly, “No wonder it does, I was practicing a lot.”

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HR lady asks an applicant, “If you fast forward five years into the future, where do you see yourself, Mr. Ingram?"
Mr. Ingram nods, "To be very honest, I think listening is definitely my weakest spot."

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Two colleagues are coming back from lunch, taking a short cut through a back alley, when suddenly they’re stopped by a masked robber with a gun who demands all their money or their life.
They both get out their wallets without protests, when one of them gasps, “Jimbo, I completely forgot that I still owe you 100 dollars! There you go!”

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I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…

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Моsеs was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40 years.
This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions.

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Little Johnny’s already been expelled from many schools because of his bad marks and mean behavior. His dad is out of his wits and finally decides to put him in a catholic school. And all of a sudden, Little Johnny starts bringing home straight As and glowing behavior reports. His daddy is shocked and asks him what changed.
“You know dad,” says Little Johnny, “I come to our classroom – there’s a guy nailed to the wall. I go to another room – a guy nailed to the wall. Third room – same, a guy nailed to the wall. Dad, they’re not messing about there!”

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Chuck Norris don't use pick-up lines. He only says, “Come!”

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Our marriage is – over.
Our marriage is what?
Never give Walkie-Talkies as wedding gift!

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Two neighbors are talking:
The first one says, “Joe, you really need to get yourself some curtains. I could see everything you were doing with your wife yesterday.”
The second one replies, “And you really need to get yourself some glasses. That was your wife.”

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A venomous snake bites a guy.
His friend screams, “Oh no, you’ve only got 10 minutes to live! This is a brutally venomous snake!”
The guy says, “Ok, call the doctor and make it bite me again and again so I can gain some time!”

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