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Irish jokes

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Раddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick up the вlооdy thing.
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After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout “Help….! Fecking help me…!!!”
The rescuers shouted “Where are you..? ”
Paddy shouts “I’m in room 236” .
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My mate Раddy was standing by my window when he started shouting, “Quick, come look at this. That car is shrinking!”
I replied, “Раddy, it’s just driving away.”
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Waiter : do you want your pizza cut into 4 or 6 pieces ?
Irish guy : oh make it 4, I could never eat 6…
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I saw Раddy looking directly at the solar eclipse.
“Didn’t you read any of the warnings?” I said, “You could go blind looking at the sun like that!”
“I’m not that sтuрid,” he replied, squinting. “I’m looking at the moon.”
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An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks:
“Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” …
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The Irishman replies:
“No! I have two other brothers back home in County Cork, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks:
“Did something happen one of your brothers?”
“Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “Me New Year’s resolution was to quit drinking!”
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Pat & Мiск land themselves a new job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled “Мiск, I’ve lost me finger!” …
“Have ye now,” said Мiск. “And how did ye do it?” …
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Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this…dамn! There goes another one!”
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As I got into my car this morning my neighbour Раddy came over and said, “Simon, can you give me a lift somewhere? It won’t take long.”
“Sure,” I replied, “Jump in.”
He said, “Do a left here and then another left after 800 yards.”
“Ok,” I replied.
“Now do another left here,” he continued, “And then another left at the end.”
After a few minutes he said, “Now stop.”
I said, “Раddy, we are back at your house!”
He said, “I know, there’s no way I’m jogging in this weather.”
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An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says “Can you make tea раddy ? ”
“Yes sir I can make tea”.
“Can you drive a forklift”?
“How big is this fuскing teapot ” says paddy
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Мiск and Раddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve. …
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‘Jayzoos, Maury an’ Josef, Раddy, this is a great city,’ says Мiск. …
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‘Why’s that Мiск?’ responds Раddy. ….
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‘Well, to be sure,’ explains Мiск, ‘where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to ye, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?’ …
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‘Begorrah, ‘ splutters Раddy, ‘did that happen to ye?’ …
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‘No,’ says Мiск, ‘but it happens to me beautiful sister all the time.’
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They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Мiск says, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Раddy?’
Without a word Раddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
‘Dis’ll never do Мiск, let’s row some more’.
After a bit more rowing Раddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Мiск asks Раddy, ‘Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Раddy?’
Once again Раddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘Nodis’ll neva do’. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Раddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Мiск is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Раddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
‘Well is it deep enuff yet, Раddy?’
‘Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.
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An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.  His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.  “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.  “Here boy” he replies.
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Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar...
I mean, it could happen.
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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
Tree fellers
Edit: Wooo gold!
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The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.
They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
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What's more Irish than eating potatoes?
Not eating potatoes.
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Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
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