One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.
Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”
“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″ he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny .
“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny , “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.
They all said, “This tastes like SНIТ!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
“Look,” said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little “zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Aaaaaaahhhhhh,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
“Hmmmm,” he thought, “How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I’ll be darned; I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
Yes,” said Little Johnny, “You take a flute and shove it up your аss !”
S o ya see, little johnny is sitting in class one day, and the teacher is going to go over agricultural stuff, like farms, and what not. So she asks the class how does a farmer tell the weather on his farm, nobody seems to know, except of course, little johnny, who’s frantically waving his hand with the answer, so she decides to let him try to answer the question.
Little johnny says: the farmer uses a weather vane to tell the weather!” ok, that wasn’t so bad, so the teacher then asks the class what kind of animal is the weather vane? again no one but little johnny seems to know the answer. Reluctantly she lets him answer.
Little johnny says with a big ol smile on his face: “why teacher, it’s a соск!”, well the teacher sighs to herself well after all it is.
So next the teacher asks the class: ” can anyone tell me why does the farmer use a соск on the barn as a weather vane?” Of course, the same dumb blank look on all of the kids faces, except of course, for little johnny, again she reluctantly allows him to answer the question, knowing she’s probably not gonna like the way he phrases it.
Little johnny stands up in front of the whole class and sez with a really big grin on his face: “Its a соск, cuz as everyone knows if it were a c*nt, the f*cken wind would just blew right thru it!”
Little Johnny sat on the porch with his grandad. His grandad’s having a вееr, little Johnny asks, “grandad, can I have some of your вееr?” grandad says, “can you touch your аrsе with your реnis?” Johnny says, “no,” grandad says, “you’re too young then, you can’t have any.” next minute grandad lights up a cigar, Johnny asks, “can I have some of your cigar grandad?” again grandad asks him if he can touch his аrsе with his реnis, Johnny says, “no,” grandad again tells him he’s too young, anyway Johnny starts eating choc chip cookies, grandad says, “Can I have one?” Johnny says, “can you touch your аrsе with your реnis?” grandad says, “yeah” Johnny says, “go fuск yourself then.”
Dan had a brown filly and a white filly and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor’s Stallion and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, Johnny, to watch and come in and tell him when the stallion was finished.
“Yeah daddy, yeah daddy,” said Johnny.
After a while Johnny came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends.
“Daddy,” said Johnny.
“Yes,” replied Dan.
“The stallion just fcuked the white filly.”
There was a sudden lull in the conversation.
Dan said, “Excuse me” and took his son outside. “Johnny, you mustn’t use language like that in front of my friends. You should say ‘The stallion surprised the white filly’. Now go and watch and tell me when the stallion surprises the brown filly.”
Dan went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, “Hey, Daddy.”
“Yes, son. Did the stallion surprise the brown filly?”
“He sure did, Pop! He fcuked the white filly again!”