Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

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A girl was a рrоsтiтuте, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sеx party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suск them dry!"

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One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab.
A cab stopped and picked her up.
During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me.
I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a вlоw job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes!I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work.
Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

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A very old man went to a church, making this confession:
- Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sеx with an 21 year old woman.
- When was the last time you made a confession?
- I never have, I am Jewish.
- Then why are you telling it to me?
- I am telling it everybody ...

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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
Need I say more?

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

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One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of сhiрs and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.

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Johny has lately written a short email to his brother while asking him only one question in this email:
Hi brother, I am writing to you, I only would like to know, tell me:
How is your fianceé?
The Johny´s brother reply was only:
Hi John, her brother is doing well.

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sеx on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sеx!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

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Son: "Mom, I love you so much!"
Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."

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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Sатаn appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer:
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

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A gаy American was caught by his Filipino gаy husband cheating.
The American husband asked, "how did you find out?"
The Filipino husband replied, "through my Western Union Receipts."

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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of вееr."

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Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’
Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’

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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear:
"That’s me before the surgery."

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A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early.
Arriving home, he found his wife with another man.
Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"This I've got to hear," the Sailor said.
"It was an honest mistake," the mother-in -law said. " She never got your e-mail!"

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