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It is 2:00 am. There are a half dozen empty vоdка bottles lying on the dimly-lit street. Two men standing in the middle of street have been arguing that the other man is more drunк. Finally, one man said to the other, “If you are not drunк, then climb up this column," pointing to the vertical beam of light that the flashlight in this right hand makes. Thinking a bit, the other man stuttered, “I am not that sтuрid. If I climb up to the top and you turn off the light, I will surely fall to my death!”

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Did your hear about the man with no arms and no legs who swam across a swimming pool?
They call him clever diск.

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A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said,
"Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said,
"Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said,
"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?"
"Radio broken," the old man replied.

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A man walks into a раwn shop and the first thing he see is a ten inch tall robot playing the piano. He walks over to the clerk and the the clerk offers him a magic lamp. The man rubs it and wishes for a million bucks. Instantly a million ducks start falling from the sky. The man tells the clerk that the lamp is busted. The clerk replies,
"I know. How do you think I got a ten inch pianist."

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A man with a broken hand says to doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says,
"Yes of course."
"That's great! I never could before."

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How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree? Wave.

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Two olives were sitting at a bar having a couple martinis, when all of a sudden, one olive falls off his chair and hits the ground. The other olive looks down at him and says,
"Oh man, are you okay?" The olive looks up at him and says,
" Yes, Ol-live."

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What do you give a man with an artificial heart? Three weeks.

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Yo momma so fат, she uses the Kool-Aid man for a teacup.

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Once there was an horse. If someone rides on to it and says "Motherf*cker"than it runs like nobody can catch it and to stop it has to say "Вiтсh".
A man comes up there looking at the horse decides to get a ride so sits on it and says "motherf*cker" than he goes down the hill across the hill suddenly he realized that there was a cliff on the way immediately not stopped then he'll fall from the cliff.
With nervousness he forgets how to stop it somehow he remembers and stop it while the horse back two legs was only on the ground other two were hanging at the edge.
Takes a deep breath and says-Almost died Motherf*cker

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A little boy went to a whоrе house and asked to buy a girl for the night but first he asked do any of them had a disease the woman behind the counter replied no and he said thats вullshiт my dad said amber has hеrреs she said I guess thats true he said well then good I'll take her last door on the right she replied the boy went to the room amber said why do you want me the boy said because then I'll get hеrреs and I'll have sеx with my babysitter because she likes little boys my dad will take her home and fuск her then he'll get hеrреs then he'll fuск my mom and get hеrреs then she'll fuск the mail man and he'll get hеrреs and hes the one who ran over my dog

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Chuck Norris once killed a man 3 hours before the fight broke out.

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A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks:
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.

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Never ever ever push a Scottish man down.
Especially when it's at a Scottish ceremony.

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A guy walks into a bar and he sees another guy with a little head, so little a melon is вiggеr. He sees the guy buying everyone 3 rounds of drinks, so he walks up to him. And asks, "I appreciate you buying us drinks but why is your head so small?" The guy replied, "We'll I was stranded on an island last week for 3 days and as I was walking down the beach I saw a mermaid and she said she'll grant me 3 wishes. My first wish was to be rescued! So helicopters and ships showed up. My second wish was to be the richest man on earth so my bank account shot up and made me a trillionaire." The man paused. The other man asked,
"What was your 3rd wish?" The man answered, "I didn't know what to ask for so I looked at the mermaid and said,
"I want to f* you." She replied, "You can't f* me I'm a mermaid?" So I told her, "How about a little head!"

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A man and his wife are having sеx when a bee flies into the woman's vаginа and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his реnis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sеx. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little ваsтаrd!"

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A man shouts out to a blonde on the other side of a river and says " How did you get to the other side?"
The blonde replies by saying "You are on the other side"

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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

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