Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.
Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says,
"You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
A man is sun-bathing nudе at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his реnis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks him, 'Do you remember what happened?' The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and fell asleep after talking to a little girl. The policeman says I asked her what happened and she said , 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke it's neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!
Security at a bank seen a man that diposit thousand of dollars everyday so he disided to ask that man how do you make so much money man said I make bets, security: well what type of bets, man: I tell people I have 4 ваlls, Security I don't Believe you, man: You want to bet $100.00, Security well yeah is impossible I think I will win, man ok after closing time ill prove to you that I have 4 ваlls, security ok, so after the last person walks out the man said hurry up stick your hand in, security hey I won Here i feel two ваlls, man: ok you won but do you see a couple people up in the tall building I bet them $1,000 each that you will grab my ваlls.
There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"Son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
The boy said "ok be right back"
So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a вuм?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
And the boy said "yes a вuм." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a соск and spankit?", the owner said,
"Excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a соск and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.
He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my вuм and f*cket, while i get my соск and spankit...."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a man ordering one shot after another, sobbing uncontrollably. He goes over and asks what the matter is. The man says,
"My only son just told me he's gаy and found a boyfriend last night." The guy just says,
"Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that man."
The next day, the guy goes to the same bar, and he sees the same man doing the same thing. Again, he goes over and asks what the matter is. The man responds, "I just found out that my brother has been dating this gаy guy for some time now, and today they got engaged." The guy just says "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, man."
The next day, the guy walks into the bar and sees the man drinking his life away. He marches up to the man and says,
"God dаммiт, does anyone in your family like рussy?" The man says,
"Apparently my wife does!"