The 85 year old man goes to the doctor's do get a check up, the doc says that he needs a sреrм count and sends an empty jar home with the man. The next day, he comes back with an empty jar. When the doc asked what happened, the man said;
I tried with my right and left hand, my wife tried with left and right, her mouth, teeth in and teeth out, we asked the neighbor to help, she tried with her mouth, both of her hands, she put it in between her legs, in her arms, and with her her feet. The doctor asked in a surprised voice, "You asked your neighbor? What happened?" The old man said,
"We couldn't get the dамn jar open."
A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened.
His friends says,
"Well I was in church and..."
The man interrupts "Church! How do you get hurt in church?"
The friend continues, "Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around "WHACK"
"
The man says "I cant believe you did that", and continues walking.
A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, "Well I was in church again..."
The man interrupts "CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!"
The friend explains, "Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and..."
"Don't tell me you did it again"
"I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wegie again..."
"If you pulled it out again..."
"I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in."
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said,
"I do Father."
The priest said,
"Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Sатаn," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said,
"You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."