Men jokes

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Man: Hi, I bet i can guess your age by feeling your воовs!!
Woman: Really?? Go on then.
Man: *FEEL ВООВS FOR 30 SECONDS* My guess is that you were born yesterday.

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A man walks into a bar brandishing a gun … “Which one of you ваsтаrds fuскеd my wife?!” …
A guy, standing at the bar, calmly takes a sip of his whiskey, turns to the gunman, waves his hand around the bar and says, “YOU DON’T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!”

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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.

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Something for you under 45’s to look forward to: …
Here’s how bad it can get… …
When I turned 55, along with my geezer discount for auto insurance and my free intro membership to AARP, my doctor suggested a range of medical tests. One of these was the inspection for polyps. I made an appointment for 8 am on a Monday morning. …
…
I turned up on time, leaving behind in my bathroom, a stack of empty Fleet bottles. (You over-50’s know what I mean.) The doc looked at me blankly and said, “Why are we here?” and I told him. “A colonoscopy.” …
…
He said, “Oh, Chr!st, I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to come into work today.”
The instrument is a long black hose about 1/2″ in diameter, a black box and a video monitor. A little Vaaseline, and in she goes. On the monitor, it looked like a pink subway tunnel; thankfully, clean as a whistle. Then the doc “pumped me up with air,” and I felt like a mylar party balloon. The tunnel on the screen gets really wide, and then we start to move again. After a few minutes, doc gets excited and says, “Wow! Sixty centimeters!” I know that means about two feet. I can feel this little parasite crawling around under my liver. Ultimately, he pronounces that I will not die soon, not of воwеl cancer anyway, and starts to withdraw Mr. Вuтт-cam.
Ten minutes later, I am waiting in the lobby for the elevator. I slowly realize that all that air that was pumped into me is preparing for its escape. The elevator shows up. There are ten or twelve people on it. … I get on. … The elevator is hot and crowded and I am squeezed between two heavy folk. The air begins to escape, not at all quietly.
People are trying to find an unoccupied corner of the elevator to escape the symphony from my bun tuba. … Panic is close. … There is no smell, since it was only air, but the noise more than makes up for it. One woman seems about to vомiт.
It took more than six hours, (in “subjective time units,”) to reach the ground floor. The door opens and the disgusted mob in the elevator flees with undignified haste. I walk from the elevator and hear a child behind me say, “Boy, did that man ever fаrт!”
“Shush, honey, he was just here to see the doctor about it. Don’t make fun of him. He’s sick.”
The rest of the way home, I am treated to a sphincterhorn concerto in the privacy of my own car. Key of G♭.
Be warned, those of you in your late 40’s. Someday you too will face the same embarrassment.

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A man go’s to the doctors and says “every time I think of black girls “.
Doctor says “put this on and come back in a couple days and tell me how it’s been”.
2 days later he comes back and says” that is great, what was it?” Doctor says “It’s a niggerteen patch”.

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The Facts of Life:
Anything you do for your girlfriend that makes other women go, “awwww” will have every man in the room thinking, “What a сunт.”

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My wife shouted at me, “If you were half the man you were when I married you, you would have done something when that ваsтаrd in the pub insulted me.”
“Love,” I replied, “if you were half the woman you were when I married you, he probably wouldn’t have insulted you in the first place.”

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The gingerbread man fell while walking down a steep path and scraped his knees.
He was taken to the cookie doctor who asked,
"Have you tried ICING it?"

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After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat.
They floated around for days without food or water.
One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat.
The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.
‘I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the genie.
‘I wish I was home,’ said the first man. Then, рооf! he disappeared.
‘I wish I was home, too,’ said the second man. Рооf! He disappeared too.
The third man looked around. ‘Gee, I’m kind of lonely,’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.

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A divorced billionaire was ordered by the Court to hand over a 49% share of his Corporation to his ex-wife. The Billionaire, we will call him Sam, was actively involved in acquiring properties wherever he chose. At an annual Board Meeting with his executives, the company stockholders, minus the ex-wife, were reviewing the land acquisitions during the time since Sam's divorce was finalized. They started a discussion of each property, one by one. "Fish Haven, Idaho, I see the aggression expression on that purchase", the one executive commented. Sam gave his nod of admission of its truth. The next company man made his statement, "Dog Walk, Kentucky", "Again we have an aggression expression, don't we Sam?" Sam concurred with that fact again. "Horse heads, New York," and the company man said,
"Aggression Expression with DRAMATIC innuendo!" Sam was all too willing to say yes and be understood as an angry and vengeful man. The next property on the roster was Canton, Ohio. "Canton, Ohio?” asked the 4th company man, "I don't see any sign of your conveyance of your indignation, to your ex, on this property name." Sam replied, "No, this acquisition was just to say I love Chinese food."

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How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died!
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snow-blower was coming.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you tell if a chick is too fат to fсuк ?
When you pull her pants down her аss is still in them
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a sluт?
Tug-of-whоrе.
What do you call an anorexic вiтсh with a yeast infection?
A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
What’s slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger Q:
What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?
They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
Because their plugged into a genius!
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…?
“Is it in?”
What do the Mafia and a рussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep sh1t.
Why don’t black people go on cruises?
They already fell for that trick once.
What has got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!
What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid on
Why does Miss Piggy dоuсhе with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E. T.?
E. T. eventually went home!
Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What do you call a lеsвiаn dinosaur
A lickalotopis
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
What did One gаy sреrм say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this sh1t?
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hоокеr get layed off?
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something
Q:If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
A:Three feet of my соск up your аss.
What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A virgin.
When do you kick a мidgет in the ваlls?
When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary вlоw job!

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I got arrested for killing a black man. …
…
I have a good lawyer

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Little Johnny was walking down the hallway, when he saw (unknown to him), his Father's Battery powered Dildо, laying on the bed! Daddy, Daddy, what's that little Little Johnny said? The Old Man (thought quick), and said, a battery operated toothpick for adults! Little Johnny asked why is it so long? The father said for food stuck between your teeth way in the back of your mouth! Later that evening at the supper table the Old Man said to his wife, honey get me a toothpick please, I've got a piece of food stuck in my teeth! Little Johnny said Mommy don't bother, I'll get the battery powered one off the bed for Daddy! Mommy said don't bother Johnny, I've already used it!

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An old man walks onto a bus one day. All the seats are full, so he has to stand and balance himself on his cane. The bus hits a bump and the rubber tip of his cane breaks off and he falls. Little Johnny, seated nearby, says to him, "Sir, you have to pull the rubber over the tip more carefully!" The man replies,
"If your dad had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this dамn bus!"

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A married couple were vacationing in Hawaii and disagreed on the correct pronunciation of the state name. He said it was Hawaii and his wife said it was Havaii.
They stopped a man on the street to ask his opinion. He said the correct pronunciation was Havaii. The man's wife was delighted and thanked the man.
The man said,
"You're velcome."

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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

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The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.

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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

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