A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car it the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” …
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The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!” …
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“That’s a lot of money, “says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror.”
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,”.
“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”
The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The officer replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
One day, while swinging through the jungle on a vine, Tarzan was passing close to the edge of a cliff when the vine broke, and he fell into the jungle far below. There he lay, in a coma for several days, before he was found by a jungle medicine man. The medicine man took him back to his hut, and did the best he could to repair, and heal Tarzan’s injuries.
Weeks later Tarzan woke up and the medicine man told him of his injuries. “Tarzan,” said the medicine man “you were severely injured in the fall, and I had to use what I had available to heal you. You lost your arms, so I replaced them with those from a gorilla. You lost your legs, which I replaced with those from a kangaroo. But I fear your worst injury was the loss of your реnis. But don’t worry, I was able to attach an elephant’s trunk which should serve you well.” He then told Tarzan to return in one month to up-date his progress.
One month later, true to his word, Tarzan returned. The medicine man asked how he was doing.
Tarzan said, “The gorilla arms have given me great strength.” He said. “I never need fear falling again. And the kangaroo legs have made one of the fastest creatures in the jungle. I can outrun just about any animal.”
The medicine man asked, “but what of the elephant’s trunk that replaced your реnis?”
Tarzan replied, “It serves me well, I have only one problem. Every time I bend over, it stuffs grass up my аss.”