During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one.
- _ Talking section.
- _ No talking sectionIf talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest.
- _ Stock market.
- _ Sports.
- _ Medicine.
- _ General gossip.
- _ Specific gossip (choose from below.
- _ The rabbi.
- _ The cantor.
- _ The cantor's voice.
- _ The cantor's significant other.
- _ The rabbi�s significant other.
- _ Fashion news.
- _ What others are wearing.
- _ Why they look awful.
- _ My neighbors.
- _ My relatives.
- _ My neighbors' relatives.
- _ Presidential Election, results from.
- _ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom.
- _ My children/grandchildren.
- _ Other:_______________________________Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
- Doctor.
- Dentist.
- Nutritionist.
- Psychiatrist.
- Child psychiatrist.
- Podiatrist.
- Chiropractor.
- Stockbroker.
- Accountant.
- Lawyer, General Practice.
- Criminal Lawyer.
- Civil Lawyer.
- Real estate agent.
- Architect.
- Plumber.
- Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
- Sexologist  (??)
- Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
- Other:____________________________I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority.
- On the aisle.
- Near the exit.
- Near the window.
- In Aruba.
- Near the bathroom.
- Near my in-laws.
- As far away from my in-laws as possible.
- As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible.
- Near the pulpit.
- Near single men.
- Near available women.
- Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services.
- Where no one will notice me sleeping during services.
- Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
- Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)(Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
- I can see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza.
- I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza.
- My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitzaPlease do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________
- _______________________Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
This change): $________________________

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G. Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A: He was already stuffed. Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A:
"No, everything is all left-over here!" Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks. Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A: Scholar ships. Q: What don't you want to wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A white shirt or high-waisted pants. Q: What do you call the age of a Pilgrim?
A: A pilgrimage. Q: What kind of key can't open doors?
A: A tur-key. Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play. Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving. Q: Why does this Native Indian chief put on a lot of feathers?
A: To help keep their wigwam. Q: What is the real key to the perfect thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY. Q: On which side the turkey has got the majority of feathers?
A: The outside. Q: How will you make the turkey float?
A: You will need a few root вееr, two scoops of delicious ice cream, and the turkey. Q: Is it possible for the turkey to jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because a building cannot jump anyway. Q: What is the type of vegetable that you would like on this Thanksgiving?
A: Beets me! Q: What is the type of potatoes that go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
A: French flies. Q: Why do the cranberries change red?
A: When they saw the turkey dressing! Q: At what time the turkey soup can be bad for yourself?
A: In case if you are that turkey!
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Раddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Раddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Раddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Раddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Раddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Раddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Раddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Раddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So
Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Раddy?". "Well," says Раddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Раddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Раddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the sтuрid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”