Money jokes

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Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
Male zebras have white stripes... but female zebras have black stripes.
Money DOES talk... but to me it says goodbye.

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An police officer pulls a car over and said, sir you have won a $300 reward for winning a driving the safest contest. The officer asked the driver, sir what are you going to don with the money. The driver replies I will go get my drivers license. Then his wife in the passenger seat jumps into the comversation and said that my husband is a bit sтuрid when he's drunк officer. Then a guy wakes up in the back seat and yells I knew we were not going far with this stolen car. Then there was a thump in the trunk and a voice said have crossed the border yet.

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I'm hosting a marathon to raise money for people with chronic diarrhea. It's a run for the runs.

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I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said,
"Well, there goes your advertising claim."
He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!"
"What if I don't pay you?" I asked.
"I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!"
I said,
"Okay then, what do I owe you?"
His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350."
"What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know.
His answer... "The advice I just gave you."

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The Tooth Fairy teaches kids that they get money for their body parts. I blame her for prostitution.

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I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

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What can you put your money into that is sure to go up?
Taxes

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5 yr old Son: Mommy how much am I worth to you in money?
Mother: 9999999999$ Times infinity and BEYOND!!
5 yr old Son: Then can I have 5 dollars of that )))
Mother:..............

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You take a glass, and you wrap it in paper, and you put it in the box. You take another glass; you wrap it in paper, you put it in the box, and you finish the box. You close it and you write, 'Glasses' on it. But after about two days, you just have an open box -- f**k it -- just put the pillow and the toothpaste and the Q-Tips, put the cat in there, and write, 'Сrар I don't need. I hate my сrар.'

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A man stands at the bar boasting that he has a dog that is the greatest fighter of all and will beat any dog in a fight and to prove this offers a prize of a $1,000 if his dog can be beaten.
An old man sitting near by says my Terrier will beat your dog no problem!
So the man immediately sets up a fight between the two dogs.
In the ring the two dogs are thrown in and the man's dog growls and starts to bite the other dog with its massive teeth for the terrier to flick itself around and snap the neck of the dog and then devour it whole!
True to his word the man counts out the grand and hands it over saying “just what type of Terrier is that?”
The old man puts the money in his pocket and replies “a long tailed short haired snub nose Terrier or Alligator for short.”

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A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

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A man was very excited when he saw the text message on his phone, “Salary credited to your bank account." Jumping for joy, he rushed towards his car to go out shopping. As soon he opened the door of the car, he received another message, “Car loan debited from bank account."
He closed the door of the car and decided to take a taxi. As he halted a taxi, he got another message, “Credit card payment made.” He changed his mind again and started walking towards a local mall. As he entered the mall, he got yet another text, “Please maintain minimum balance in your bank account.”
He turned around and started walking back home.

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If you are alone - I’ll be your shadow.
If you want to cry - I’ll be your shoulder.
If you want a hug - I’ll be your pillow.
If you want to be happy, I’ll be your smile.
If you need money - wait for your salary…

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Father in a conversation with a neighbor...
First son: Degree in Economics
Second son: MBA
Third son: PhD
Fourth son: Thief
Neighbor: Why can't you throw the fourth son out of your house?
Father: He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

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Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars."
The second guy says,
"Oh, I'm working on my second million."
"Really?" asked the first guy, surprised.
"Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."

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An Australian was having a party and invited all his neighbors including the local shopkeeper Abdul.
He says to his guests “We can’t go in the pool yet because there’s a 12ft crocodile it, but I will give $1000 to the first person who can jump in and кill it!”
Then there was a splash and there was Abdul thrashing about with the ‘crock’ for about 5 minutes, he kills it and jumps out covered in blood !
The host says “That was amazing here’s the money”
Abdul says “Thanks …… I’ll give $1000 to the person that tells me who the fuск pushed me in!”

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Money is the root of all wealth.

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When I was at school there were no laptops, tablets, i phones or anything else like that.
We had to get by with just stealing tiffin money.

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