There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn’t know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he’s going with his donkey.
“Anywhere I go, she goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you can’t take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we’ll take good care of her.” So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn’t want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
“Great!” replied Bozo. “How much do I have to pay?” he asks.
“One thousand dollars for the food.”
“But I haven’t touched the food.”
“It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV.”
“But I didn’t even know how to turn the dамn thing on!”
“It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed.”
“But I slept on the floor!”
“It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars.”
“You owe me ten thousand dollars for sсrеwing my donkey.”
“But sir, I didn’t do your donkey.”
“It was there. You should have!”
It's very difficult to impress women when you have no money. When I first moved into my apartment, I had no furniture for, like, six months. So, whenever a girl would come over for the first time, I'd have to act like I just got robbed. I'd be like, 'Oh, yeah, come on in, I got lots of cool stuff here. Let me just get my keys here, one second... oh сrар, I got robbed! Oh man, they took everything: my indoor pool, my piles of money. Thank God they left this air mattress.'
Shopping with the wife… an everyday thing…
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
Minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
Voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
Crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
Humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Маdоnnа look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
Through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
Awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.
A son of two parents found out a way to get money from almost anyone. He first went up to his mom said,
"I know your secret." She said,
"Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone."
He then went up to his dad and said,
"I know your secret." He said,
"Here is 20 bucks, don't tell anyone."
He saw the mailman and ran up to him and said,
"I know your secret." The mailman said,
"Here is 20 bucks, now get in the truck, son."