Money jokes

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What’s the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? ….
…..
By selling your camera.

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Money talks, but credit has an echo.

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Jim, the town drunkard, was at his wit’s end. He had no money to buy even the barest necessities for his family. It was right before going to sleep one night that Jim prayed the following emotional prayer: …
…
“Dear Lord, please, all I’m asking for is some food to put on the table, NOTHING else! The вооzе I’ll buy myself.”

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says,
"My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100."
The second boy says,
"That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200."
The third boy says,
"I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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Things not to say after sеx:
- You are better than your sister.
- When do I put the соndом on?
- There’s money on the counter.
- Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?
- Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.
- Yeah, definitely gаy.
- It was better when you were sleeping.
- Please like and subscribe.
- Well that еjасulатеd quickly.
- New record, 17 seconds!
- I was born as male.
- Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuск so similar.

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I bought a brand new Porsche 944 Turbo. I really couldn't afford it, but I figured -- what the hеll, I'll just pick up a couple extra hours a week at work. So, I'm working 137 hours a week now.

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
Church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.
At the roulette table she says,
"I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25.
The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

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Can’t believe how much money I’ve let slip through my fingers. Just seen a poster saying that they pay $30 for sреrм donations.

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If a person is very adept at telling falsehoods about the money he owes, does that mean he's really good at telling us his LIE-abilities?

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A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said:
"You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?"
The man thought, and said back:
"Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!"
His wife told the cop:
"Don't listen to him, he's a sмаrтаss when he's drunк".
All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out:
"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?"
A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said:
"Are we at the border yet?"

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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fuскing money in there.

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I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill.
Needless to say, I was shocked.

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There was a Swedish, Danish and a Norwegain lost in the desert. They eventually found an oasis with a diving board. By that oasis, there was a genie. The genie said that they get to wish what's going to be in the oasis while jumping off of the diving board.
The Norwegian went first. He jumped and said:
"Money!", and landed in a pile of money.
The Danish went second. He jumped and said:
"Вееr!", and landed in a pool of вееr.
The Swedish went last. He was going to act cool, but slipped and yelled:
"Oh shiт!"

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You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy."
"That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."

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To supplement my income, I sell furniture on the side. I'm down to my couch now.

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Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. "I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing."
"Why do you think that?" asked the colleague.
"The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money."

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