Money jokes

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Parent:
"Why did you swallow the money I gave you?"
Child:
"Well, you did say it was my lunch money."

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One night in a bar a man walked up to the barman and said "you see that glass in the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 I can рiss in it from here." the barman says "you're on !" so the guy starts to рiss everywhere on everyone even the barman, exept for the glass. "Ha!" says the barman. "you owe me $100" so the guy says "wait here." and he walks to a pool table and gets money from someone and they laugh. "here it is" the man says. "thanks. By the way, why did you two laugh ? you lost the bet"
"Oh" says the man. "I bet him $1000 i could рiss everywhere in the bar and even on you and you'd still be smiling"

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A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

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Money not buying you happiness?
Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me.

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OK, you know the drill about the old lamp, the Djinni and the wishes so let’s go straight to the joke.
Djinni: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Djinni: Granted, what’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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We live in a culture where a рrоsтiтuте on the street can earn more money than a school teacher. That's disgraceful. We have to start paying prostitutes as poorly as we do school teachers.

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Insult: Your so UGLУ that when you were born, the surgeon was just about to drop kick you out the window when your parents scream "WAIT WE NEED THE CHILD SUPPORT MONEY!!!".

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Yo mama is so fат that every year Japan gives her money to stop swimming in the sea because of the danger of a tsunami.

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I didn't understand that. How could something get closer to zero forever? It didn't make sense to me until I got some credit card bills.

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Therapist: So, what's the problem?
Girlfriend: He just uses me for sеx.
Boyfriend: She is just using me for my money.
Therapist: So, what's the problem?

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I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?

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You know what's pretty cool? When you put on a jacket that you haven't worn in a long time, and you find a $20 bill in the pocket that you didn't know was gonna be there; then, you buy yourself some wееd to celebrate. That happened to me tonight when I borrowed my friend's jacket.

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There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.

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I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

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Mother: Did you behave well in church today, Marjie?
Marjie: I certainly did. A nice man offered me a plate full of money, and I said,
"No thank you."

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I love performing in Manhattan. I've been trying to get an apartment here for two years. They won't let me in. I mean, I knew it would be expensive, but I just assumed that for $2,000 a month, the toilet would be inside the apartment.

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How is golf like taxes?
You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

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