A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do”
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sеx. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 - but I’m not an idiот! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the dамn tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn’t make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body -
He drunkenly says, “Now… where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
==========
A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth.
"I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained.
Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth.
Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude.
"Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?'
'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.'
'Great. We're under budget.'
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirтy and shabby-looking вuм who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the вuм said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The вuм was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirтy, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven”?
“NO”! the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven”?
Again, the answer was, “NO”! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven”?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO”! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven”?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE Fuскing DEAD
A prospector and silver miner has had a string of bad luck and to make manners worse, his sеxuаl equipment is backed up from lack of nookie and he is as hоrny as a billy goat with four ваlls.
So he saddles up his mule and goes into town to visit the local sporting-house.
The Madam laughs at him when he says he wants a girl for $10. He says, “It’s all the money I’ve got, don’t you have someone?”
The Madam says, “all right, you can have Old Aggie. Go down the hall, count four doors on your left and go in door four. There isn’t a light switch in there, so fumble and feel around in the dark to find the bed, then you’ll find old Aggie lying there. Her hygiene isn’t very good so you’ll have to put up with the odor.”
The prospector heads down the hall. About 20 minutes later, he returns to the Madam’s desk.
“How was Old Aggie?”
“Well, the smell was pretty bad like you said. I found her pretty wet and lubed up, so that wasn’t bad. But every time I tried to kiss her, I got a mouthful of cold, wet rice.”
The Madam smiled. “You get what you pay for. That wasn’t rice, it was maggots. Old Aggie has been dead for almost a week.”