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Money jokes

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My mate was telling me he wanks off old men for money.
“You need help!” I shouted.
“So you’re judging me?” He asked.
“No, I just know how tiring маsтurватiоn is and I could do with earning a few extra quid myself.”
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Comeback Queen #1: Rich or Poor I care no more.
Ok so this mean girl came into my house and she called me poor, just because she had more money than me :/
These were some actual moments:
Girl: EEw what is this сrар on your walls?
Me: a mirror.
Later:
Girl: Hey ha ha I have Subway Surfers on my phone.
Me: Cool so do I.
Girl: YOU have a PHONE?
Me: yeah *shows phone*
Girl: ha ha but there are cracks in it!
Me: speaking of cracks and buts, you should pull up your pants.
Later:
Girl: well noow that I'm leaving might as well give you advice.
Me: which is?
Girl: avoid your face!
Me: I don't have time cuz I'm already avoiding yours.
Girl: GRRR hey where did you get your сrар clothes?!?!?!
Me: The same place you got your life.
Girl: Did you google these comebacks?!!?!? (lol some of them yesh)
Me: Did you google your insults?
Girl: go back your cage! I'm going to my large condo!
Me: Yeah Неll's pretty big, isn't it?
Girl: of course you'd know that.
Me: I know lots of things because I'm not home schooled. ( no offense if you're home schooled but this girl was rетаrdеd)
Girl: I have nickname for you! WANNABE!
Me: I have lots of nicknames for you right now.
Girl: I HAVE THE POWER TO SUE YOU!
Me: you're lucky you don't have the power to read minds.
Girl: That's it! I'm leaving! *gets in car* BYE POOR KIDS!
MY friend: that suскs she gets the last word.
Me: Nope. I put some bug attractor in her hair spray.
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Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young sons room. She finally had to ask, "Johnny why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?"
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar. The mother quickly replied, "God gave it to you? How did this happen?"
"Well mom, you give me a dollar to give to God. So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he'll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me."
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Why do Jews like watching dirтy movies backwards?
Because they like the part were рrоsтiтuте gives the money back!
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Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
It had more cents.
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Just managed to save a load of money on my car insurance. After I had a crash I just drove away really fast and then went into hiding for 3 weeks.
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My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account.
One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook, “That's okay, I’m using rubber.”
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Bully:hey рussy where's your lunch money
Nerd:I don't know ask your mom
Bully:why?
Nerd:because I gave her money to suск me dry
Others: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH! !!!!
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A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars.
A man answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires.
"No catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."
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A gecko was talking a stroll in the park and came upon a duck. He said,
"Hi duck, what do you do for a living?"
The duck replied, "I sell gap insurance so if you’re out of work you still have money coming in." The duck then asked how the gecko made a living.
The gecko said,
"I also sell insurance but I sell every kind of insurance you can imagine! I sell house, car, life…"
Before he could finish the duck ate the gecko! The duck said,
"Well, at least he had good coverage!"
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The blonde was at the blood bank and sold a pint of blood. As she was leaving counting her $25, a man was leaving counting his money. He had $40. She asked if he had some rare blood type that he got more than she did. He said no, that he had donated sреrм. The next day the вiмво was back at the blood bank. The receptionist asked if she was there to donate blood. The blonde could only shake her head, as her cheeks were bulging.
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This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000. from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself.
It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, “where's da money?”
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector's ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked.
The collector signed back, “It's in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”
The interpreter tells the thugs, “He said he still doesn't know what your talking about and you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!”
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A friend said to a friend
"Money makes enemies, money makes worry. So being your friend I can't see you worry. So please send all your money to MY ACCOUNT.
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A young girl came home completely exhausted and tired after her honeymoon. ….
….
When her friends asked her what happened, she replied :
“When that 70 year old ваsтаrd told me he had saved a lot from last 50 years, “I thought It was MONEY”
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A robber sticks his gun in a Scotsman's ribs and demands, "Your money or your life!" When after a moment there is no answer, he repeats his demand, "Your money or your life!" to which the Scotsman replies,
"I'm thinking it over!"
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If pleasure were money, then your mom would of been rich last night
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There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.
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If time is money are ATM's time machines?
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