Money jokes

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the
Secretary, “I would like to join this dамn church.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
Misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, dамn it. I said I want to join this dамn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
Church.”
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform
Him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
To listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir,
What seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no dамn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks
In the dамn lottery and I want to join this dамn church to get rid of
Some of this dамn money. ”
“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this вiтсh giving you a hard time?”
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Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend.
"Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys.
"What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?"
"I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?"
"And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also?
"All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money."
After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea.
"That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"
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Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking соw Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking соw."
Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"
"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.
"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"
"You, sir, are an idiот! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"
Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"
Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"
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A rich sluт and a poor sluт were standing next to the road when the poor sluт asked the rich sluт “Where do you get all the money from?”
“That’s easy” replied the rich sluт, “Just before you have sеx, stick an elastic band up your аrsе, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy.”
“Thanks says the poor sluт and rushes home and starts looking around but she can’t find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up.
The two went back to the guy’s home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the sluт yelled “OW, my back! I’ll sue you for this!”
The man replied “Never mind your back, my ваlls just went out the window!”
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