Money jokes

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I love the fact my girlfriend is Jewish.
At first it was hard to get her to do аnаl, but then I showed her all the money we are saving on condoms.

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Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

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A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said,
"I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

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The only thing I won't get mad at the president about is gas prices. I'm actually cool with that. Matter of fact, I want them to go higher. Because the higher they go, certain things change: drive-by shootings go way down.

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Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking соw Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking соw."
Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?"
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…."
"Moooooo….." said Bessie.
"Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?"
"Moooooo……" answered Bessie.
"The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?"
"You, sir, are an idiот! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!"
Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?"
Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"

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I used to have my own car, but it got stolen off the street because I live in New York City and I parked it. I didn't know the rules when I got there. I had a 1980 Chevy Chevette. Somebody stole that. What were they thinking? The only reason I didn't put The Club on there is because it would have doubled the value of the car.

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How many Jews does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb? Three. One to charge you for the light bulb, another to charge you for the ladder, and a third to loan you the money.

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I bought some over-the-counter stuff called “BALD-NO-MOR.” The package said, “guaranteed to grow hair or double your money back.”
“Hey, this can’t miss,” I thought. Nothing has worked on my chrome dome in all these years and I’ll get back $59.98 for my investment of $29.99.”
So I followed the directions:
“Apply a generous helping of BALD-NO-MOR to your scalp, then vigorously rub it in with your fingertips.”
Hey, it worked!! I have the hairiest fingertips you ever saw.!!

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Certain names you gotta do something with your life. Like Preston -- you can't be homeless and named Preston. I think the government set aside money for you.

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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

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A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" declared the child, bravely.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirтy?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!!"

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A rich sluт and a poor sluт were standing next to the road when the poor sluт asked the rich sluт “Where do you get all the money from?”
“That’s easy” replied the rich sluт, “Just before you have sеx, stick an elastic band up your аrsе, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy.”
“Thanks says the poor sluт and rushes home and starts looking around but she can’t find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up.
The two went back to the guy’s home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the sluт yelled “OW, my back! I’ll sue you for this!”
The man replied “Never mind your back, my ваlls just went out the window!”

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I had some problems with an automated telephone system while booking tickets for an Elvis tribute act.
I had to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

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One thing I have realized, though, in life in general -- much better to hang out with your poor friends as opposed to your rich friends. 'Cause rich people, they're just gone. They have no idea what things cost anymore. I went out to dinner with some very wealthy friends of mine -- they're just clueless. They're like, 'Hey Avi, you know for another $20, you can get a slice of shiitake mushroom on that. Totally worth it!'

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I'm like, 'You wastin' all this money on this woman. You can't touch her; you can't take her home -- what are you gettin' out of this?' So, he try to tell me, like it's logical:
'Well, for me, strippers -- they fulfill a fantasy.' So I asked him, 'Well, have you ever tried wavin' that same three, four hundred dollars in front of your own woman?' Oh, they quiet now. You put out $500, your girl gonna do some freaky things, trust me! Trust me! You won't even recognize her... Not only will you get a fantasy, you might get some groceries, too.

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The super mario bros in middle school
Bowser: Mario get a life
Mario: *pulls out a green mushroom and eats it* thanks bowser! Now if you make me die of boredom, I'll still have 3 lives left!
Bowser: gimme your lunch money
Mario: *dies of boredom* *comes back to life* I'm sorry, I don't have any coins. I lost them all when I died from your stupidity
Peach: boys! Boys! Stop this fighting!
Bowser: Sup bae
Peach: *slaps bowser's face with her purse*
Mario: hey bowser I see the ladies like you
Bowser: why you little-
Mario: yes bowser I see I am the shorter brother.
Bowser: I HATE YOU SO MUCH
Mario: bowser, I didn't ask for what you say when you look in the mirror!
Bowser: I give up...
Mario: I didn't ask what your parents say to you constantly
Bowser: (?°?°)? ???

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Mum: Next time the bully asks for your lunch money, tell him you left it on his mother's dresser.
Son: ...

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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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