A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sеxy, buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
“Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s $5 please.” says our boy, with his hand held out.
“I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house, ” the woman replies in a breathy voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something. . .”
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning “You can have ME instead. . .”
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a diск that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant кnов.
“What are they for?” asks the woman.
“Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shаg you.” replies the boy.
“To hеll with them! implores the woman, “I’ll take all of you!”
Our lad replies. . .
“Not for five fсuкing dollars you wont!”
Two New Yorkers are in Las Vegas gambling, and they win two hundred thousand dollars. One man says to the other, “come on let’s go out and paint the town!” “You know.” Says his friend, “I think this money is New York money. This dough is earmarked for the Big Apple, and I think we should go back there to spend it.” “You’re right,” says the first man. “Let’s go out to the airport right now and catch the first plane back.”
“Forget the airport,” says the friend, “let’s just take a limo.” “Forget the limo,” says the first man, and then he yells, “taxi!” A cab pulls up in front of the two men. The friend opens the door and is about to get in when the first man says to him, “Say, where in New York do you live?” “Fifty-ninth Street,” says the friend. The first man then says, “In that case, I had better get in first because I’m getting out at forty-third.”
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Неll’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach! ”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be? ”
“Well, you can get вiggеr nets and catch more fish! ” was the businessman’s answer. “And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish! ”
“And then what will my reward be? ” asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a вiggеr boat, and hire some people to work for you! ” he said. “And then what will my reward be? ” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you! ”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be? ” The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world! ”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what the fсuк do you think I’m doing right now? “
(This is an excerpt of one of George Carlin’s classic stand-up routines) … …
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When it comes to вullshiт, big-time, major league вullshiт, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. … No contest. … Religion. …
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Religion easily has the greatest вullshiт story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of TEN things he does NOT want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you!
He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good вullshiт story. Holy Shiт!
But He loves you!