Newest jokes - Page 59

Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?"
Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"

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Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

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Sports Jokes Golf jokes

Q: How do you find how many fат people are in America?
A: Throw a cookie into the street.

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USA Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes

Client: "Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence."
Me: "You mean... the period?"
Client: "I don't care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it."

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Car and driving jokes Office and Work Jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: Why wasn't the bodybuilder evicted?
A: Because he was squatting.

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Fitness jokes

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

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Life Jokes

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"

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Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Birthday Jokes

St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle.
God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates."
Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirтy unwashed man in a vest.
Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?"
The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?"
St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment."
Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap."
God says to St. Peter "Shiт! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to вuggеr off!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to вuggеr off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord."
God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone."
A half hour passed.
"Peter! Go and see if they have gone!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!"
"Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."

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Irish jokes God Jokes Communication Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Religion jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

Life is like a реnis: women make it hard for no reason.

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Sexist Jokes

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started.
When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - ваng! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Сhrisт," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess.
There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.
A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that sтuрid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sеx with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Genie jokes Golf jokes

Why do women need guys?
Vibrators don’t usually pay for drinks.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes

My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would sраdе up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

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Military Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes Prison Jokes

What are the small bumps around women’s niррlеs?
It’s Braille for ‘suск here’.

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women

You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body.
Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Flirt jokes Love Jokes

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sеxuаl position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position".
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an еrестiоn and hurting his nose.

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

I kind a feel sorry for Нiтlеr.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

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Friendship Jokes Hitler Jokes

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!

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Easter Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"

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Pet Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

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