Partying & Bad Behavior

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My father never slept, never slept -- oh, he used to rest his eyes quite a bit. He'd never admit he was sleeping... So I tried to throw this back at him:
'No Dad, I'm not ignoring you, I'm resting my ears.' 'No Dad, I'm not drunк, I'm resting my ability to make sound decisions.'

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Being pulled over is no joke. It's scary, but you know what's even worse? Being a passenger in your friend's car when they get pulled over. That's when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. 'Dамn! Dамn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, сосаinе under your seat. I'm wearing a wig, and we've got a dead body in the trunk.'

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Some of these drinks will knock you out. I was drinking that Sеx on the Beach last night, had about six of them. Woke up this morning with sand in the сrаск of my аss.

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My best friend got a truck. She didn't want to be so trendy, so she got a UPS truck. You might laugh, but she can park it anywhere.

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Isn't it amazing how cigarette smoking is becoming illegal, but marijuana's becoming decriminalized? Do you know that in a few years I'm going to have to pretend I'm getting high in order to enjoy a Camel Light? I'm going to have to take the filter off, twist the ends up -- 'For the next hour and a half, act like my I.Q.'s dropped 80 points.'

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I was recently involved in kind of a serious driving accident, which you may have suspected. It was not completely my fault because the other guy involved was really drunк. But he was at a slight disadvantage because he didn't have his car with him at the time.

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If I seem out of it tonight, it's 'cause I'm hooked on phonics.

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I don't mind hangovers except for the fact that it's merely a physical reminder that you accomplished nothing productive the night before.

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There were two men sitting on a wall outside a pub called the Queen's Legs. A policeman came along and said, “What are you doing?” The two men said, “We're were wating for the Queen's Legs to open so we can have a drink.”

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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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My supervisor came to me, she said, 'Dominique, you know tomorrow's your drug test.' I just laughed. She said, 'Why are you laughing?' I said, 'Because this must be my last day.'

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I got pulled over for drunк driving the other day. The cops had me walk that line. I said the one thing you shouldn't say. I was like, 'Stop wiggling it.' 'Cause that gives you away.

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I quit drinking вооzе. Now, I'm what you'd call a 'social drinker,' which means if someone says they'll have a drink, I say, 'So shall I.'

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Every party I go to, it's like, 'Hey man, I got some coke. Let's go in the back.' Just once, I want to go to a party and have some guy say, 'Hey man, I got some gasoline. Let's put it in your car.'

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Tequila -- that's what makes you drunк right there; that's what'll get you drunк in the bar. You see, I think that's what the world's divided up into. It's not a man/woman thing or a black/white thing, it's a tequila thing. I think there're people who can drink tequila and there're people who can never hear that word again.

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I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you wееd people out of your life.

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Folks, you say what you want about the crackheads, but when they're hard up for a fix, they are good workers. This guy raked my entire yard with a fork in 11 minutes.

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I don't have much of a memory at all. No, I really don't. I think it's the drugs -- prescription and some under the counter, as well -- but, I mean, it's just gone. I'm really bad with names. I mean, I can meet someone, they tell me their name, I'm looking them right in the eye -- it goes in one ear, out the other. Then I'm just sitting there staring right at him, thinking, 'I wonder if he has any drugs? That's a big pinky nail for a man.'

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