Jokes about Police Officers

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Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?"
He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”

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A man steals paintings from a museum and gets a few blocks away, runs out of gas and the cops catch him. When asked what happened he replied..."I didn’t have enough Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!!

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Police are meant to protect you, but when you see them do you feel safe or paranoid?

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A window, a toilet bowl and a colander (strainer) were arrested for some serious crimes and were brought to police headquarters for interrogation. After the detective was through with his questioning, he was met outside by the news media.
"We hear that they all had alibi's," asked one of the reporters. "Why didn't you believe the window's story?"
"I saw right through it!"
"What about the toilet bowl?"
"His alibi stunk!"
"And the story the colander gave you?"
"It was full of holes!"

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A frantic woman had dialed 911.
“Police, fire, or ambulance?” asked the operator.
“I want a vet!” demanded the panic-stricken woman.
“A vet?” said the operator in surprise.
“What for?”
“To open by bulldog’s jaws.”
“But why did you call 911?”
“There’s a burglar in them.”

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Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English, and
The government is run by the Swiss

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A Blonde is walking down the street with her left тiт hanging out.
A police car pulls up and says,”Miss, put your left вrеаsт back in your top or I will arrest you”
The Blonde looks down and says,”Oh fuск….. I’ve left the baby on the bus again”.

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A policeman finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the street. The cop approaches him and asks him, "What on earth do you think you’re doing?" The man on the floor replies, “I’ve lost it." The policeman asks him curiously, "lost what?" The man on the floor answers, "well (hiccup) my balance sir."

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News: Australian man tries to rob petrol station with a boomerang.
Police believe he’ll return to the scene of the сriме.

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Speed Trap
A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street.
Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could"

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A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
Real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
“If they don’t behave, out they go!”

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An old man is sitting by himself at a park bench crying, when along walks a police officer. With genuine concern the police officer approaches the old man, “is everything OK sir?”
The old man looks up, “no it’s not, every morning I wake up to a beautiful 22 year old blonde, we make passionate love and then she cooks me breakfast with bacon, sausages, eggs and everything else I love. After that she gives me a bath, taking care of all the extra details.
She then makes me lunch which is followed by some more passionate love. In the evening she cooks me dinner and before we go to bed we have some crazy wild sеx.”
The police officer scratching his head, “well what on earth could be wrong with that? what are you so upset about?”
The old man looks up with clear frustration and defeat, “I can’t remember where I live”.

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“Didn’t you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?” asked the policeman.
“No," began the wife, "I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt.”

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You work security and you ain't got no gun -- you're just a paid witness.

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A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”
The Bloke replied:
“have you ever tried pushing it?”

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You can't compare the gаy struggle to the black struggle. You can't do that. First of all, y'all got a closet that you can come in and out of whenever you feel like it. Black people, we ain't got no closet that we can come in and out of. You can't get pulled over by the police at midnight like, 'Oh, I'd better stay in the closet; I don't want to get my аss beat.'

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If u hate Donald Trump vote kick ass
I mean what freak stops a civilisation Look at his(sarcastically) "well thought plan to stop Muslims from entering America, " Police will ask them if they r Muslims"
Ever heard of lying genius!

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You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'

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