Jokes about Police Officers

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A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!

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I stopped a drunк driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunк. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said,
"See I told you I wasn't drunк if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".

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Why is there a flap on the back of the Navy uniform?
So the Marine have something to hold on to.

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I have found myself a new exciting hobby.
I go out in my car in the morning to the nearest Highway and sit with my window open and a hairdryer pointed out of the window.
It's amazing how all the cars slow down!

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Did you hear about the art class that was robbed today? The police still haven’t been able to catch the thief but they have 22 sketches of his face.

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If I were the Town Mayor, I would rename our bridge “The Influence.”
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Then I would direct the police to pull over and ticket everyone driving under The Influence.

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A police officer returns home drunк in his car from a colleague’s house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says:
- ”Don’t worry colleagues, I’ve drunк a bit at another officer’s house, I live nearby, I’ll drive responsibly.”. ”Sure, go ahead, no problem.”, one of the officers replies. ”Goodnight.”. After a while, another police patrol motions him to stop. ”Sheeesh!, not again!” he exclaims. Once again, he draws out his badge and repeats the same sentence. The officers wave him goodbye. But after a while he is stopped a third by another patrol. ”C’mon.. you’ve got to be kidding me..”. He shows his badge, once more, about to repeat his sentence. ”Don’t worry colleagues, I’ve-”, he is interrupted. ”Sir, get out of the freaking roundabout at least!”

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I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.

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Police are investigating the death of Tara Palmer Tomkinson.
They have found some traces of blood in her сосаinе system
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rестuм, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Your turn!!”

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One fine spring day, Ollie decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ollie that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone. …
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“Oh, no”, Ollie protested. “I vas only doing tirty Officer.” ….
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“No, you were doing fifty”, replied the cop.
“Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty”, Ollie replied stubbornly.
“Well”, bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the passenger seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. “Officer…you really shouldn’t argue vit Ollie ven he’s been drinking.”

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They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony.
The police are looking into it.

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My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.'
'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'

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I got pulled over by the police and fined for driving in one of the Olympic lanes.
I tried to argue that it wasn’t clearly marked or signposted, but they weren’t having any of it.
They said that I should’ve noticed something was wrong when I started knocking down the hurdles.

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I saw a nice new widescreen TV at the shops today, but I’m going to have to wait until the sales.
Or until the police shoot another black guy.

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I approached a police officer this morning to tell him I’d been robbed.
“What did he look like sir?”
“He was bald, about 6 foot tall and white”
Okay no problem sir, we’ll take it from here.
“All units, we’re looking for a bald male, 6 foot, possibly a black man in disguise”.

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I was driving along and the mobile rang,. The boss said I’d been promoted. I drive a mile further and the phone rang again, the managing director said I’ve been promoted to the bosses job. Another mile and the phone rang again, it was the chairman, he said I’d been promoted to managing director. Just then I crashed into a tree. When the police arrived they asked what happened, I said I just careered of the road.

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My parents always taught me to chase my dreams but last night the police told me that stalking women is actually illegal and if they catch me again I could be sent to jail.

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