Relationship Jokes

OFFICIAL LIST OF РUSSУ TYPES
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1. Expensive Рussy: Most рussy falls into this definition. Expensive рussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the рussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of overlimit charges on your credit cards. Often not worth it.
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2. Cheap Рussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap рussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, Wants constant reassurance, wants loving constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off
.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You’re lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won’t go away, possessive, gets jealous, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding better рussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
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3. Hired Рussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired рussy and Expensive рussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don’t have to stick around, she won’t tell your girlfriend, doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive рussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap рussy in the long run, risk of disease is very high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
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4. Virgin Рussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirтy jokes and роrnо movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin рussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight “fit” if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer “other” services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause “accidents,” can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you’re into that sort of thing.
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5. Nyмрhо рussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your ваlls into bed and go at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nyмрhомаniа.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
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6. Frigid рussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this рussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration)
.
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
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7. Innocent Nyмрhо рussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hеll of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
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8. Party рussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are really unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will usually not remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
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9. Nutsy Рussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to кill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

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Why do some men prefer dogs over wives?

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunк.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.

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Relationship Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

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Relationship Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you.
I've been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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Golf jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Secretary Jokes Cheating Jokes

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

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Relationship Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.

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Relationship Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Cheating Jokes

The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

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Relationship Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Political Jokes

Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?
A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes Weather jokes

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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Relationship Jokes Sex Jokes

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman,
"Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirтy look,
"So why did you run?"

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Relationship Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes American Presidents Humor

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

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Relationship Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the вrеаsтs of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old аss?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Relationship Jokes

Wife:
"In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband:
"I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Relationship Jokes Fitness jokes

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Men jokes Technology Jokes Relationship Jokes Secretary Jokes

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your вuтт is getting really big. It's вiggеr than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-аss grill for one little wееniе?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes

Women might be able to fake оrgаsмs. But men can fake a whole relationship.

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