School jokes, Teacher Jokes

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School Teacher: Last night a bunch of thieves broke into a cupboard and stole a bunch of blunt pencils. The theft was described as pointless.

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The following conversation took place in a government meeting regarding the school curriculum.
Adviser: So what are we gonna teach the kids?
Politician: I’ve decided to go with Pythagoras’s theorem.
Adviser: But what about car repairs, applying for loans, buying a house, starting a business or doing taxes?
Politician: No!! Finding the length of a triangle is more important.

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You have to wonder about a country where the bombs are smarter than the high school graduates…. At least the bombs can find Iraq on the map. ~ (Attributed to Alan Whitney Brown of SNL fame.)

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Teacher: WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOU WERE YOUR FIRST DAY IN SCHOOL! Like you were in Kindergarten!
Student: You really want me to be like I was on my first day?
Teacher: YES!
Student: Alright then.
*The next day*
Teacher: what's 4x3 divided by the square root of 7.
Student: FISH!
Class: *Laughs*
Teacher: Get over here!
*In the corner of the class room*
Teacher: We agreed you'd be like you were on your first day!
Student: Yeah, and the answer for everything was fish.
Teacher: I hate you.
Student: I hate you too
Teacher: You said that on your first day too?
Student: Nope, I said "I love you" to all my teachers
Teacher: Then why haven't you said that to me!?
Student: Because I didn't lie on the first day of school either.

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Now every idiот from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

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One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts." Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said,
"Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

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Boy:Mum its my birthday.
Mum:ok
Fue mins later
Boy:Mum can i go in the shower with you
Mum:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Mum:ok
Boy:Mumy whats that
Mum: its a bush
Boy:whats that
Mum:its headlight
After school
Boy:dad can i go in the shower whith you
Dad:no
Boy:but its my birthday
Dad:ok
Boy:dady whats that
Dad:its a snake
Boy:ok
During that night
The boy opens the door to his parants room while they were haveing sex
Boy:Mumy,Dady the snake is going in the bush turn on the headlights. vote kikass please

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I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

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I stopped buying makeup when I wandered into a department store recently and noticed that the makeup sales ladies are starting to dress like research scientists. They're back there with slide rules and computerized skin charts. And you know they probably didn't finish high school, but they're wearing lab coats.

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, “Don’t be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?”

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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says:
"Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said:
"Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and suскеd the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says,
"How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunк the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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I was conducting a group of high school students on a field trip to Washington, DC. Behind the White House, the students observed the former Rose Garden that White House gardeners had torn out to plant President Obama’s Watermelon Patch.
“I wish I had the money to buy a million watermelons,” said one student.
“What will you do with a million watermelons?” asked another student.
“I don’t want the watermelons,” he replied, ” I just want the money.”

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After the Sunday sermon the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. …
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No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. …
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Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’ …
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The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. …
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Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sеx.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuск the Vicar.’ “

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My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wаnк him off in class… …
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…I told him, “maybe teaching isn’t for you..”

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The following is a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read “Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.”) ….
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Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? …
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What for? He can’t see my license plate. …

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Teacher:why did you bring your cat to school
Jimmy:I overheard my dad talking to my mum and he said when jimmy goes to school I'm gonna eat that pussy

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A kid goes up to his dad after school and says,
"Dad, I just had sеx with my teacher." The dad is proud and offers to buy the kid a bicycle. So, he takes his son to the store and lets him pick out a bike. Afterwards, the dad asks "Do you wanna ride your new bike home?" and the son says,
"No, my аss still hurts." DmR

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A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

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