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I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said:
"What'ya have?"
I said:
"Suprise me."
He did, He showed me a nакеd picture of my wife.
I said:
"Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?"
"Everyone did" he replied..."
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Q: Do you know what 69 is?
A: It's a good thing sсrеwеd up by a period.
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Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sеx with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you sсrеwеd that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"
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Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sеx?
A: They're both very rare.
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A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!”
The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
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A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working. He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his соск.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
"I know" - replied the man - "I want two hands and a face put on this".
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A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!
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An old couple decide to get married after years of courting.
They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sеx.
‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée.
‘As far as sеx goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’
‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom.
‘Was that one word or two?’
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That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sеxy as hеll and then you hit the mirror.
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Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’
‘Feelling rаndy?’ asks the other.
‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’
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Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sеx?
A: Call her and tell her.
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на арене цирка выступает дрессировщик львов. со словами алле-гопп Дресьор на лъвове показва номер: A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. В цирке. Выступает дрессировщик аллигаторов. Хищник открывает пасть Выступает мужик с крокодилом. Открывает крокодилу рот An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash Un jour dans un cirque le dompteur de lion fait une démonstration à un groupe. Le dompteur descend son pantalon mais son sexe dans la bouche du lion Dans un cirque O atlético domador apresentava seu mais novo número com os leões. O domador punha os órgãos sexuais dele na boca do leão enquanto lhe aplicava fortes chicotadas. Grande sucesso. Todo mundo aplaudiu. Terminado o número En man uppträdde på cirkus med en levande krokodil. Avslutningen av numret var en riktig rysare. Mannen drog ner gylfen och tog fram sin stolthet och placerade den mitt i gapet på krokodilen. Så stängde han krokodilens käft och stod alldeles stilla Facet w cyrku wychodzi na arenę z krokodylem. Staje na środku i kopie krokodyla w dupę. Krokodyl rozdziawił paszczę Neue Attraktion in der Manege: Artist kommt auf die Bühne Een man komt een café binnen met een krokodil. Hij gaat aan de bar zitten en legt de krokodil op de toog. "He!" roept de barman En mann gikk inn på en pub i den australske outbacken med en krokodille under armen. Han stod opp på baren og skrek ut: «Hvis jeg stikker kødden og ballene mine inn i krokodillens munn Er komt een brede man met een grote krokodil de kroeg in lopen. Iedereen kijkt verbaast naar de krokodil en deinzen allemaal een stukje achteruit. De man zegt: “Er is geen reden om bang te zijn Er komt een man met een krokodil het cafe binnen en bestelt een biertje. De barkeeper ziet de krokodil en zegt: "Weg met dat beest Een man komt een café binnen met een krokodil. Hij zet het beest op de bar Komt er een brede vent de kroeg in. Met een hele grote krokodil. Iedereen valt dit meteen op en iedereen gaat dus ook aan de kant. De mensen zijn bang voor de man en voor de krokodil. waarop de man... A cirkuszban egy krokodilidomár világhírű produkcióját mutatja be. Gatyáját letolva A fakír egy új mutatványt ad elő a színpadon. A közönség feszülten figyeli Un dresor de crocodili apare in Fata unei multimi la gradina zoologica: - Si Acum dragilor o sa urmariti cat de bine e dresat acest Crocodil Infiorator! Langa el Pasea agale un monstru de crocodil.... Do baru vstoupí muž Vyksta cirko vaidinimas. Kulminacija - didžiulio dresiruoto krokodilo pasirodymas. Šviesos prigęsta Cirkas. Pasirodo dresuotojas su krokodilu. Dresuotojas sušunka „OP!“ ir trenkia pagaliu krokodilui per galvą. Krokodilas išsižioja
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.
The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!"
So the man whips out his diск and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it.
A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his diск without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sеxy voices."
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband.
He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sеxuаl arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Steve Martin
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Man, to woman, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’
Woman, ‘You might be.
Now you come to mention it, your face does look familiar.’
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A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him.
‘Hello,’ he says.
‘Do you speak English?’
‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman.
‘How much?’ asks the man.
The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’
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Guy having sеx says "dамn вiтсh, there should be a law against sеx this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
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Кеса La caja de preservativos y la farmaceutica - пожалуйста В аптеката: 15 презерватива моля. In der ApothekeEine Schachtel Kondome Молодой человек в аптеке: В аптеката. В аптеката: - 20 презерватива O homem vai comprar camisinhas: — Deu 10 reais senhor Un mec va à la pharmacie pour acheter des préservatifs. Le jeune homme paie et le pharmacien lui demande : – Vous voulez un sac en plastique avec ? Le garçon lui répond: – Non merci Kunden: - 2 paket kondomer tack. Expediten: - Vill du ha en påse till ? Kunden: -Nej tack A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" "Ein Packung Kondome En dreng går ind i en butik for at købe kondomer A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds Geht ein Mann in einen Laden und kauft eine Packung Kondome. Da fragt die Kassiererin: „Brauchen Sie noch eine Tüte dazu?“ Darauf der Mann: „Nein danke - 6 db óvszert kérnék! - Zacskót adjak? - Nem köszi Komt een jongen bij de drogist om een pakje condooms te kopen. Bij het afrekenen vraagt de kassier: “Wilt u er een papieren tas omheen?” “Nee dank je” Оди некој дечко во трафика и му вика на продавачот: - Дајте ми 3 кондоми! - Сакате кеса? - Не бе Aptiekā -Man lūdzu prezervatīvus! -Maisiņu vajadzēs? -Nē - Θα ήθελα ένα κουτί με προφυλακτικά παρακαλώ. - Θέλετε και σακούλα; - Όχι εντάξει
So I was at the local corner store one night and bought a pack of condoms.
I went up to pay for them and the store clerk said would you like a bag?
I said No, she's not that ugly.
Then the 3 ladies behind me started giggling and I said wait sir, you'd better make that 3 packs.
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