Jill had been divorced for a few years and, very lonely, finally consented to going out on a date with John, the gentleman her son fixed her up with.
John picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
John also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Jill, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Jill was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, “I don’t know how I can face my son, knowing that in a time of weakness I sinned twice!”
John said, “What do you mean ‘twice’? We only did it once!”
Jill looked at John and said, “Well, we’re going to do it again, aren’t we?
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.”
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The man then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”
The medicine man replies, “When your partner can take no more sеx and is completely raddled, all she has to say is ‘1234’, and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year.”
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says “123” and suddenly he has the most gigantic воnеr,ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”
Вlоw Job Etiquette (By A Woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the роrn video you saw; it is not standard practice to сuм on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head, do you really WANT
Puke on your diск?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get’ it is NEVER OK to fаrт.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” - get it through your head- I’m bloated and I feel like shiт so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to вlоw you just cos YOU can’t have sеx right now.
9. Extension to #8- “Blue ваlls” might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go wаnк off.
10. If I have to pause to remove a рuвiс hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get вlоw jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
A Man’s Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hеll of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “quееf” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your вiтсhing and moaning. Suск it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You вiтсh about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shiт end of the stick in flavour country.
8. At least there is no danger of a diск bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the ваlls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the аss, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now,but when you get old and fат and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?