Stupid / Dumb Jokes

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I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, “I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks.”
She wasn’t wearing any socks. Sтuрid вiтсh.

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I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.

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I was doing my lottery tickets on Saturday, and thought I’d steal the pen.
“Get that out of your pocket!” said the shop keeper as I went to walk out.
“How the fuск did you notice?” I asked.
“The stand trailing behind you kind of gave you away,” he replied.

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Sven and Ollie bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Sven says to Ole, “I thought you had the keys.” …
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Ollie says, “You ver driving, da driver always takes da keys.” …
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“Well,” says Sven, “It doesn’t much matter, da question is vat are ve going ta do about it.”
Ollie says, “I don’t know, but ve bedder come up vit someting fast because it looks like rain, and you had ta go and leave da top down.”

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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth” … I choose dare, your honor

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I can tell whether girls like strangers staring at them or not just by looking at them.

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They say, “never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.” …
Hey, it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

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When I left home, my mum said, “Don’t forget to write.”
I thought, “That’s unlikely… It’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”

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Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five.

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Why is it that when you finally make something idiот-proof along comes a вiggеr idiот?

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Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?

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I called my gorgeous ex today and she said, “Stop stalking me? I have a restraining order against you which says you aren’t allowed within 50 meters of me.”
“I know. I just thought you might like a game of Frisbee later.”

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Cashier:
“Is that 20 note real?”
Me:
“I should fuскing hope so, it cost me a fiver”.

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For some reason I’m really struggling to sell my house at the moment.
I’ve done everything they’ve recommended…
Painted the walls black.
Painted the floors black.
Painted the ceiling black.
I’m even answering the door in a tin foil suit.
I was told to give the illusion of space.

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Вlооdy hеll. I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles, but there’s only three in there and they’re all tennis ball flavour.

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I Just bought this bargain coat from the House of Frasier proper price £200 quid, I got it for £25. It is supposed to be slightly imperfect but I’ve had a good look all over it and the only thing I can find is one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two.
Bargain or what?

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I suск at blowing balloons up…
That’s probably why I can’t do it.

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My Cousin:
“Dave, this morning your father called.”
Me:
“Great! What did he say?”
My Cousin:
“This is Dave’s father.”

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