Stupid / Dumb Jokes

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I was at a nightclub and standing by the door.
The Bouncer came over and said, “You have to move you’re blocking the fire exit,”
As though if there was a fire I wasn’t going to run.

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Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

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I’ve gone and got my head stuck in a vase, after trying to retrieve an M+M from the bottom of it using just my teeth.
I’ve told my son to call the fire brigade for help, but he can’t remember the number.
I honestly don’t know where that thick сunт gets his brains from, sometimes.

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I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn’t fetch.
Then I realised. It’s non-stick.

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“Seriously, you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked this girl in a nightclub. “What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”
“Well that’s hardly likely to fuскing happen, they died 6 years ago!” I snapped.
“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.
“Of course I fuскing am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”

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I took a photo of a mouse today.
He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

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Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuск myself.

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I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry but I forgot what room I’m in.”
“No problem Sir, this is called the lobby.”

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I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Where’s the ladies mate?”
He said, “Just around the corner, on your left.”
30 seconds later I went back and said, “They must’ve gone mate, there’s only toilets around there.”

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Went to the Opticians the other day. He said ‘what seems to be the problem?’.
I said ‘I can’t see very far’. He took me outside and pointed at the sky and said ‘what’s that?’ I said ‘The Sun’
He replied ‘how far do you wanna fuскing see’

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I went to the ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.
I’m wondering, is it them or me?

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As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for in case of such emergencies.

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A 3d-printer that can make guns?
Pffft, that’s nothing!
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

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The wife just asked, “What’s that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?”
I said, “It’s a dead Jedi.”

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Why is the giraffe’s neck so long? ….
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Because its head is so far from its shoulders.

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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.

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Kentucky has entered the revenue raising race with its own $5 Million Dollar State Lottery. ….
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The winner gets $5 a year for a million years.

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Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

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