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Jokes about Women

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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket… You’re probably not gonna win but you’re sure as hеll gonna try
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T wo men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”
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First Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really рissеd off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Now Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, again they NEVER have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just ‘an old rag’.
6. Although their clothes are always ‘just an old rag’, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you
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I find hand jobs are a lot like cooking. I'm better at it, but I prefer it when a woman does it for me.
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Man: Do you want a 68?
Woman: What’s that?
Man: You do me and I’ll owe you 1.
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Hi, I haven’t jacked off in over 5 years. I just don’t need to because I’m always surrounded by hot women. Tonight is your lucky night, you have been selected!
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What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
Bernadette.
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I got in this elevator earlier, and I ended up standing next to this woman who smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something. It's neat how an aroma can make you think of something else. So, I'm strangling this woman....
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I don't understand how some of you women can be abused by a man with a Jheri curl. That don't make no sense, man. All you gotta do is carry a lighter.
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A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says,
"Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"
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A woman is like canned food: one opens and everyone eats.
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A woman made an appointment with a divorce attorney. The first thing he asked was why she wanted a divorce. She replied, "I’m not appreciated anymore and my husband even tells me I’m not a good house keeper."
The attorney replied, "Oh don’t worry, you’ll keep the house."
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Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.
"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."
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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
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After years of marriage I’ve learnt that you can tell a lot about a woman just from her hands. When she’s holding a frying pan and waving it around that usually means she’s angry.
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The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is totally wrong…..
The rest of the house needs to be cleaned as well.
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I’ve never had any luck with women. When I was a baby my mother refused to breastfeed me, she said she only liked me as a friend.
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I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal 'How To Read a Woman Manual' has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a rumble seat and sipping sodas and strangling communists. And I'm just waiting until I can unzip my pants and find a family of raccoons living down there.
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