Jokes about Women

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There were three women. a brown headed a brunette and a blonde. they were talking then they started talking about sеx. The brown headed one said i'm gonna have 3 baby's. The brunette said she was gonna have twins. And the blonde started crying and the other two women asked her what was wrong. And the blonde said she was gonna have baby dogs because she had sеx doggy style!

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A blonde woman won horse riding lessons. Knowing nothing about riding but wanting to be properly dressed, she went out and bought riding boots. On the day of the first lesson, she showed up wearing only the riding boots. When asked why she was nакеd except for the boots, she said that she was told it was ваrеваск riding and she didn't have any clothes that just covered the front.

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says,
"Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will вlоw up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says,
"I know what you've been doing!"

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An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says,
"We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

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A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said,
"Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

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Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

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Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's кill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a sтrоке and the third couldn't reach.

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A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an оrgаsм." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies,
"Sniffing pepper."

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A woman decides to get a роrnо, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirтy title. When she plays the movie, the screen gets fuzzy and nothing is going on. When she calls the store about the movie, they ask her what the title was, and she says,
"Head Cleaner."

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A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering, "I'm a whоrе! I'm a whоrе!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests, "I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long. Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious." The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot. After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying, "I'm a whоrе! I'm a whоrе!" The priest's parrot replies,
"Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"

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There is a drunк guy in a bar and a big, fат woman with a parrot on her shoulder. She sits by the drunк guy and he looks over at her and says,
"Where'd you get that hog?" She looks at him and frowns. He takes a few more drinks, then he says,
"Where'd you get that hog?" She looks and says,
"I'll have you know, this is not a hog, this is a parrot!" The dude says,
"Well I'll have you know, I was talking to the hog."

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A drunк staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunк, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunк says,
"I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

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A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai Hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.” Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and вrеаsт augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation, and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?” God replied, “Shirley! I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you!”

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Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunк and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to рее. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her раnтiеs, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says,
"These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her раnтiеs."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her вuтт that said,
"From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

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There's a young man at the bar frustrated. Him and his wife got into a fight and she kicked him out. He see's an old man at the bar happy as ever, but notices a ring on his finger. He asks " How long have you been married?" Old man says "65 years, and im still happy as ever"
"How?" Asks the young man. The old man then says " Well one day my wife and I way back were walking with our donkey to go get some water from the well. On our way back the donkey falls and spills some water. I said "Donkey thats one." It falls again later and I said "Now dаммiт thats two!" It falls yet again and spills all the water. So I pulled out my gun and shot it in the heard and killed it. My wife then yelled " Now why in the hеll did you do that?!" I looked at her and said "Woman now thats one".

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