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Jokes about Women

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There's a young man at the bar frustrated. Him and his wife got into a fight and she kicked him out. He see's an old man at the bar happy as ever, but notices a ring on his finger. He asks " How long have you been married?" Old man says "65 years, and im still happy as ever"
"How?" Asks the young man. The old man then says " Well one day my wife and I way back were walking with our donkey to go get some water from the well. On our way back the donkey falls and spills some water. I said "Donkey thats one." It falls again later and I said "Now dаммiт thats two!" It falls yet again and spills all the water. So I pulled out my gun and shot it in the heard and killed it. My wife then yelled " Now why in the hеll did you do that?!" I looked at her and said "Woman now thats one".
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An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says,
"I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says,
"I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Рооf! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Рооf! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Рооf! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says,
"Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"
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I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.
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A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says,
"Mande?" and he says,
"No Monday, today."
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When it comes to women, I am like the tortiose. I like to get there before the hair.
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Woman spelt backwards is kitchen.
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Note to self, telling a woman to "calm down", stimulates hulk-like outbreaks.
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A little boy went to a whоrе house and asked to buy a girl for the night but first he asked do any of them had a disease the woman behind the counter replied no and he said thats вullshiт my dad said amber has hеrреs she said I guess thats true he said well then good I'll take her last door on the right she replied the boy went to the room amber said why do you want me the boy said because then I'll get hеrреs and I'll have sеx with my babysitter because she likes little boys my dad will take her home and fuск her then he'll get hеrреs then he'll fuск my mom and get hеrреs then she'll fuск the mail man and he'll get hеrреs and hes the one who ran over my dog
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Me : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend : uhhhhhh
Friend : What was it called ?
Me: Finding Nemo
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A trucker is hired to deliver a bunch of generic black bowling ваlls to the new bowling alley across town. As hes driving, a deer runs out in front of his truck and he swerves and tips the truck, and his cargo goes flying everywhere. He jumps out of the truck and begins trying to gather up the bowling bowls. He notices that an old woman has run out of her house with a baseball bat and is beating the bowling ваlls with it. He runs over to her an yells, "what do you think you're doin' lady???" and she screams in distress, "I'm breaking them before they hatch."
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A man and his wife are having sеx when a bee flies into the woman's vаginа and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his реnis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sеx. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little ваsтаrd!"
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A blonde woman is driving her car down the highway going way, way too fast. She passes a patrol car and is immediately pulled over. The police officer, who is also a blonde woman, comes over to the window and asks for her license. Dumbfounded, the blonde driver frantically tears through her pocketbook but can't seem to find it. She asks the officer, "Well what does a license look like?". The officer says,
"It's a small card with you picture on it." So she starts looking again and pulls out a small mirror. "Aha! I found it!" she says, and hands it to the officer. The officer looks at it, hands it back and says "Your free to go." The driver asks why and the officer responds, "I didn't know you were a cop."
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Woman spelt backwards is namow. Namow in Polish means persuasion. What are all women good at? Persuading. Coincidence? I think not.
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Man: Dear do you know that exams are like women? Woman: How funny? Man: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman her learns her place.
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There was 3 women in the desert a redneck, brunette, and a blonde. They found a genie and he granted 1 wish to each one of them. The redneck wished for a fаn so she wouldn't be hot. The burnette wished for a cantons full of water so she wouldn't be thirsty. The blonde wished for a car door so she could тооl down the window when it got hot.
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There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"Son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
The boy said "ok be right back"
So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a вuм?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
And the boy said "yes a вuм." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a соск and spankit?", the owner said,
"Excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a соск and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.
He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my вuм and f*cket, while i get my соск and spankit...."
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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