Dad Jokes

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Do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is? Telling your dad you are gаy.

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“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father.
It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.”
“Am I, Dad?”
“Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”

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Yo momma so fат You're dad went in , but never came out.

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Yo Momma so fат when she walked onto the diving board the lifeguard said to your dad, "Sorry, you can't park here."

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There once was this really poor family. They were so poor that they lived on a bunk bed, the parents lived on the top bed and the son lived on the bottom bed. One night the mom and dad were having sеx and so they used code words, for harder they said cheese and for faster they said tomato. The kept screaming cheese, cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato, tomato. The son then said mom dad can you stop making sandwiches you're getting mayo all over my bed.

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A man and his son were walking down the street. The boy saw a dog walking and sniffing at the ground. What makes the dog sniff at the ground dad? That is INSTINCT son.
A bit later his dad saw a dog sniffing another dog. Do you know why he's doing that son? I do dad, like you said before that’s END-STINK.

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Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

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Teacher: Little Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's just like Santa Claus. I know he's really my dad

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Toy Disclaimers you have probably never noticed...
1. Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
2. Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
3. Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
4. No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
5. Some dismemberment may occur.
6. In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.
7. Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
8. Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
9. Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
10. Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

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Feminists.
Because every вiтсh with dad issues isn’t hot enough to be a stripper.

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Man: Is your dad black?
Girl: No. Why do you ask?
Man: Because you’ve stolen my heart.

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One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

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This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p. M. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a. M. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

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My dad is a workaholic. He works all the time. I lucked out -- that skips generations.

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With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.
After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I'm watching TV."
"But Dad," he protested, "my room is still on fire!"

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I've been a dad for awhile. I've noticed that certain things don't change about a child, no matter what stage of development they're in. When they're really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again:
'Watch out. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth.' Now my daughter is almost a teenager. Are we all on the same page on that? Because I really don't want to have to draw a diagram for that one.

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Son:
"Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'?"
Father:
"It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit."

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Went to a wedding today.
It was just some girl from the office that I don’t even like that much, but I thought I’d show my face just to be sociable.
Plus, her dad is paying for our honeymoon.

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