Dad Jokes

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Martin Scorsese’s film “The Wolf of Wall Street” broke a record by using the word “Fсuк” or “Fсuкing” 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

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At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.
Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”
Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can вlоw them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

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When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said,
"I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said,
"The middle of August? Cool!"

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Bully: That was such a fail!
Me: So was your dad's соndом!

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad.
Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his аss, and says alright go show your mother.
Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the sh1t out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
Hey grandma look im white, she beats his аss (Big Momma style) and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this?
The kid says yeah ive learned I have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people.

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Dad: hey son im going to the store do you need anything?
Son: Ya, im going out with this girl and I need some protection, like condoms.
Dad: Son...
Son: Yes dad?
Dad: Your face is enough protection.

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Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.
He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."

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A boy and his dad are driving to the boys soccer game and on the way the boy asks the dad a question about puberty.
Son: Dad, what happens to people during puberty.
Dad: Hair growth, реnis hardening, and maybe you will gain some intelligence.
Son: I guess you haven't hit puberty yet.

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Here's another sign of getting older, boy: you find yourself saying and doing things your parents said and did. You can't help it. You turn right into your folks, right? I'm saying stuff my dad would say to me. He would say stuff like, 'I want you to have the things I never had.' Apparently, my dad never had a beating.

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Idiот: You tell the worst comebacks ever like "you're dad's соndом failed" and stuff
Me: Clearly you don't know the difference between a comeback and the truth

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Dad: Son it's time for the sеx talk
Son: But dad...
Dad: No butts...
Dad: That is all.

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Have you heard that popular joke about sidewalks?
I’m telling you, that thing’s all over town!

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“I’m not sure why my girlfriend’s father doesn’t like me.”
“What was your first impression on him?”
“I told him, she calls me daddy too.”

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Your at your girlfriends house for a family dinner. Your GF says,
" Daddy please pass me the salt." when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

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This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult “I know the whole truth” they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom “I know the whole truth” and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said “I know the whole truth” and his dad gave him 40$ an said don’t tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said “I know the whole truth” then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

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Part 1
| Part 2 | New Dad Jokes

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That awkward moment when your dad tells you that you’re not really drunк as long as you can pronounce your name backwards and you remind yourself that his name is Bob.

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What is yellow and kills you if you get it in the eyes?
A school bus.

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