Dad Jokes

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This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult “I know the whole truth” they will be all weird so he went home and told his mom “I know the whole truth” and she gave him 20$ and said to keep quiet. Pleased when his dad got home he said “I know the whole truth” and his dad gave him 40$ an said don’t tell mom. really pleased he met the mailman the next day and said “I know the whole truth” then the mailman got down on his knee opened his arms and said come to daddy.

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Part 1
| Part 2 | New Dad Jokes

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That awkward moment when your dad tells you that you’re not really drunк as long as you can pronounce your name backwards and you remind yourself that his name is Bob.

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That awkward moment when you borrow your dad’s electric beard trimmer, disappear in the bathroom for 40 minutes and your dad wonders what you were doing there because your beard looks just like it did before…

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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.

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I sometimes feel like the 5th wheel in my family.
Which, of course, is the steering wheel.

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A waiter came to me in Pizza Hut yesterday and said, “I see you have an empty glass there. Would you like another?”
I don’t know what’s wrong with people. What would I do with two empty glasses?!

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Why has no skeleton ever jumped from a really tall building?
They ain’t got the ваlls.

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Why don’t fish play basketball?
They have issues with the net.

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I love vegan food! It makes an excellent side dish to any meat!

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What does a traffic warden do when he wins a million dollars in the lottery?
He buys himself a crossing and becomes self-employed.

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What is white, stands in front of the stairs, and can’t go up?
A washing machine.

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What tea is it not a good idea to drink?
Tnt.

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What happened on the 1.1.1111?
A new year started.

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Why is it pointless to play hide and seek with mountain ranges?
They peak.

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A man goes to the doctor and says:
“Doctor I swallowed a key. Can you please get it out of my belly?”
The doctor asks:
“When did you swallow it?”
“About 3 years ago.”
“Really? Why are you coming this late?!”
“Well… I lost my spare key.”

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An exclamation mark look at a question mark appraisingly, “Hmmm, nice curves!

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- ”What did Jasmin rice say to Asian vegetables?
Don't you wok away from me!

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