Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "рооf" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "рооf" there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Deer Hunter. A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest кill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's аsshоlе!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said.
"But what is so exciting about a period."
"I don't know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mommy fainted"
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a моrоn, and your dad was a моrоn. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Моsеs had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
”Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the торlеss beach
for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he
died?”
”Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with
you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
”Who said he wanted to?”
A pregnant woman is about to give birth.
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Dамn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s wомв.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”