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I moved to L. A., so, you know, I joined a gym, because it was either that or a gang.

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I've got a friend who smokes five packs a day. He has to wear nicotine slacks. He says he's afraid to quit because he might get heavy. If he doesn't quit, there will be six friends going, 'Boy, he is heavy.'

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Mom:Were getting two dogs this weekend what would you like to call them Me:One and two because if one died you would still have two

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Its f*cking annoying when your joke gets deleted. Kickass if you agree.

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Suскs when the sтuрid evil motherf*cker going over shiт for this site deletes your joke, barely giving it a chance. What an аsshоlе.

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My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

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What's white and hangs in trees?
A fridge.

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Boy: whats up bra
Girl: nothing much how you doing underwear

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I think God made a mistake, though. He should have left us all with soft spots. Then we'd all be a little more vulnerable and maybe nicer to each other. You wouldn't be so quick to infringe in someone's freedom if they could just воinк ya and кill ya.

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Another thing I like about this site is that you can get away with saying literally anything.

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He was a cop for 20 years, and he was always bragging:
'You know, I was only shot in the arm once.' Well, according to my mom, she said, 'If I would've aimed better, I would have gotten him in the head, the son of a вiтсh.'

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I saw a sign on the side of the road the other day that said, 'Tiredness can кill.' I didn't know that. Last Saturday, I stayed up all night watching movies. I could have died.

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Good-bye cookies, hello diabetes!

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being rареd by a giant praying mantis.

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Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

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An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
- Aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
Young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
- Cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”

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I will never forget my dad’s last words:
“Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

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