Dating jokes, Online dating jokes

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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn’t think she knew about.

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My girlfriend complained to me that the diamond in her engagement ring is too small.
“It’s so tiny,” she remarked. “I want a big rock.
- ” Hope she likes the headstone I’ve picked out.

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I was sitting on the settee watching a soppy film with my girlfriend. She was lying with her head in my lap.
Overcome with emotion after the film, she said, “give me a kiss dear.”
I said, “if I could reach down that far to kiss you, why would I need you in the first place?”

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A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.
But he knew it was

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Have you guys seen these nursing bras? The cup opens right up. You have a simple snap on the cup: cup - рооf - opens right up. Where have these been? I spent 16 years with my hand behind her back… … ‘What is that? a staple? a strap? a button? Huh? I have to tighten it to get it loose? How many fingernails did I break on those tiny hooks over the years? Need a little help?’ …
…
And she could unhook that hammock blindfolded with her hands behind her back. … Sheesh!

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A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over.
After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
“Your оrgаn,” she replied. “It’s a bit on the small side.”
Hurt, he replied:
“It’s not used to playing in cathedrals.”

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I once dated a girl with multiple personalities.
They were all terrible but luckily they all had an amazing body.

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I asked my date if she’d ever done drugs. ….
….
“No,” she said, taking a sip of her Evian water. …
….
I quietly thought to myself, “Well, you have now.”

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My girlfriend says she is going to leave me because I keep living in the past.
Nagging вiтсh, I liked her much better when we first met.

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I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas.
I don’t know if she’s going to bed or going shopping?

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So I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number…
And you’ll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!

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I was woken this morning to my girlfriend sliding my boxer shorts off me.
I looked down at her between my legs and said with excitement, “But it’s not my birthday until tomorrow.”
“I know, but I wanted to surprise you,” she smiled. “And I don’t know what size boxer shorts you wear.”

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I was sitting reading the paper this afternoon when the kitchen door flew open. Standing there was my wife, wearing hotpants, a tiny little vest top and flip-flops, carrying a small bucket of really soapy water. Looking at her i got really excited
She placed the bucket between her feet while she seductively pulled on a pair of bright pink rubber gloves. After a saucy walk to me, hips swinging like a catwalk model, she pushed my knees apart and knelt between them. She removed my belt and dragged my pants off, then pulled a small sponge from the warm soapy water.
With expert hands she lathered up my соск and вuм-hole, getting me harder and more еrест than ever before. Finally, she took me into her mouth and brought me to an оrgаsм I thought was never going to end.
I must admit though, I was really рissеd off.
I honestly thought she was about to wash the car.

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Two hillbillies break up with each other after going out together for a few years.
“Well.” says one to the other, “I suppose we better look on the bright side of things, at least we can still be brother and sister.”

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I call my girlfriend Durex.
Because she spends 90% of the time in my wallet

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The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone.
Next time I’m taking all her shoes with me.

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Successful Kisses are like Real Estate …
Location, Location, Location!

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I tried to make it up to my girlfriend after she found out I’d cheated on her.
“Do you really think I’m going to forgive you just because you apologised and bought me flowers?” She sobbed.
It was then I realised how naive and inadequate that was.
The last time I’d bought chocolates as well.

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