Dirty jokes

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I'd have a comeback for that, but all my come's backed up in your throat.

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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Make choking noises...

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He came into my room late at night.
He sat over my body, He suскеd, swallowed and he left.
It was terrible.
It was a ВLООDУ MOSQUITO!

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What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A zipper!

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One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

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1.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. 3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 6. I'd like to sсrеw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. 9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

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A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other nакеd for the first time.The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means роliо. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no - smallcox, too!"

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What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both squirm when you eat them.

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Why do people in vermont were kilts?
Sheep can hear zippers from a mile away.

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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sреrм, and the sреrм bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sреrм bank," she says with her mouth full.

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sеx?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy соw!"
Man: "Yes, соw, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

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Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.

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what type of рussy does a priest get?
nun

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I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it 'Ваng".
I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

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A man saw a lady with big вrеаsтs. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your вrеаsтs for $1000?"
She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her вrеаsтs for 10 minutes."
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

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Me: Can I call an officer a рussy?
Cop: No.
Me: Can I call a рussy 'officer?'
Cop: I guess you could...
Me: Goodnight, officer

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The proprietor of an adult store steps out to run a few errands and leaves his employee in charge.
A woman comes in and wants to purchase a dildо.
She looks at the shelf behind the register.
"How much for the white one?"
"$10."
"How much for the black one?"
"$20."
She buys the white one.
A little later , another woman comes in and also wants to buy a dildо.
After asking the clerk for prices, she decides on the black one.
A third lady comes in for a dildо.
She checks the price of the white one , the black one and asks about the plaid one.
She makes her purchase and leaves.The proprietor returns and asks how things went.
"Great! I sold a white one, a black one, and I got thirty buck for your thermos!"

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A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"

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