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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.

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Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
''He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
''Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

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Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. "Where did you get that?" John asked "I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan. "What''s Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It''s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, "What''s wrong? Where''s your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, "It was leftovers night."

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Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

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Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"
The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent. The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I рissеd in the holy water!"

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.
''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fuскing lottery ticket.''

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Santa was very cross.
It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunк, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that sтuрid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fат man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

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Q: A smart blonde, a sтuрid blonde and Santa Claus play poker. Who wins?
A: The sтuрid blonde - the other two don't exist.

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A priest wanted to convince a рrоsтiтuте to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the рrоsтiтuте.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you." And the рrоsтiтuте said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."

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A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven.
God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''
The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''
The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''
The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.
Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''
The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''
The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''
She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.
The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''
The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''
She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''
Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''

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Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs."

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The Pope dies and goes to Heaven.
A committee of angels tell him that he can enjoy any of the recreations available. The Pope decides to read all the original Holy Scriptures and spends the next eon learning the ancient languages. After becoming a linguistic master, the Pope sits down and pours over every version of the Bible. Suddenly, he screams loudly. The angel librarian asks him what's wrong. The Pope cries out, "The R! They left out the R!" "What do you mean?" the angel asks. The Pope sobs, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sеx with two men at one time.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''
The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''
The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''
The fourth nun says, ''I рissеd in the holy water.'''

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Two nuns rides their bikes down a lane. The first nun says, "I've never come this way before!"
The second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone."

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10) Who the hеll Begets anymore?
9) Memo to Adam: Ditch the apples, try chocolate!8) Sаinт Peter wouldn't do the actual judging - he'd hire a temp.7) Ten plagues and God never thought of daytime talk shows?6) All this smiting and no one filed a suit against God?5) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy? - GO FORTY-NINERS!4) Why did Моsеs spend all his time parting seas when there are all those great legs out there?3) How can you trust someone who turns water into wine?2) Sатаn provides free heating, work for everyone, never evicts you and doesn't give a dамn about your credit rating. This is bad HOW?1.) Out with Into the ark, two by two, in with Jerry Springer love triangles!

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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

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1.
There''s no "Donny & Marie Hanukkah Special" 2. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway). 3. No need to clean the chimney. 4. There's no latke-nog. 5. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs. 6. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals. 7. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown". 8. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl". 9. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards. 10. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

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