One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But... he'll be вiggеr, stronger, and will like to hunt and кill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"
Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."
A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.''
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**t Happens.
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect вrеаsтs God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS СНRISТ!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?" The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:
"Is Неll exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Неll is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Неll and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Неll, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Неll, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Неll. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Неll. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Неll to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Неll because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Неll to stay the same, the volume of Неll has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1) If Неll is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Неll, then the temperature and pressure in Неll will increase until all Неll breaks loose.
2) Of course, if Неll is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Неll, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Неll freezes over.
So which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Неll before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sеxuаl relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Неll is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Things you’ll never hear a wife say
I’ll swallow it all, I love the taste.
Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?
I’m bored, let’s shave my рussy!
Shouldn’t you be down the pub with your mates?
That fаrт was great! Do another one!
I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
You’re so sеxy with a hangover.
I’d rather play Virtua Fighter than go shopping.
Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
Just for a change, can we try аnаl sеx tonight?
I really like football, can you take me to a game.
You’d better drive. You’re far safer than I am and besides, everyone knows women can’t drive.
Actually we shouldn’t have been given the vote, we’re better off in the kitchen.
I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
I don’t care if my вuм looks big in this, let’s just go and get рissеd.
We haven’t gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
Why can’t you let your hair down and have a few vоdка chasers with me.
I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
Aim where you like, it’s really good for my skin
You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
Microwave food again? Brilliant.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I love hearing stories about your ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.
Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.
It’s only half time; you should get a few more beers in.
I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.
I love when my pillow smells of fаgs and lager. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly.
Let’s go shopping so you can check out the womens’ arses.
I’ll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play football on a Sunday. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Our new neighbour’s daughter is sunbathing again. Come and look.
I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again.
No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.
Let me pay.
Your mother did a great job raising you. She’s so much better than mine.
Do me a favour and forget that sтuрid Valentine’s Day thing. Save your money for buying вееr.
I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
Oh, not shopping again. Let’s go to the new all-day sтriр club instead.
Look, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a seven or eight.
Stop getting up for night feedings. You need your sleep.
God, I swear, if I don’t get to вlоw you soon I’m going to burst.
I just signed up for Yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.