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A guy is diving in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly he sees another diver, but without any equipment.
He wonders how he does that since he’s already dived quite deep. A minute later he sees he’s gone even deeper underwater.
He thinks, “Wow, that’s impressive”. He swims closer to the guy and writes him a message on his underwater writing board:
“How do you manage to dive without equipment for so long?”
The other diver writes back:
“I’m drowning you сrетin. Help me!”

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A man dreams that he is a chicken. He walks around the farm and is quite happy pecking on some corn.
Suddenly he feels a big pressure in his stomach. He asks the other chickens what it could be and he is told that this is quite normal. He just has to push and out will come an egg. So he does that. But even though the egg is out, he still feels a strong pressure.
So he asks the other chickens and they say that he has to push some more; that sometimes, chickens lay more than one egg. So he keeps on pushing and laying one egg after the other.
Suddenly he feels the whole world shaking like in an earthquake. Out of the sky comes a booming voice of his wife:
“WТF! Wake up!!! You pooped all over the bed!!!”

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Last week’s Clairvoyants Associated meeting was cancelled for unpredictable reasons.

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Boss comes up to the desk of one of his employees and snaps, “Solitaire, Dockson?! Why the heck aren’t you working?”
Dockson apologizes, “I’m sorry boss, I didn’t hear you coming.”

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Paul says to William in the gym:
“Say, how do you manage to look like this?”
Will shrugs modestly, “You know, lots of sports, vitamins, fresh food and a lot of smiling!”
Paul:
“And all that makes you this ugly?”

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Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. He nudges his friend, ”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs, “You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your вuтт on fire.“

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The North Koreans are real aces at geometry.
And no wonder – they have the Supreme Ruler.

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Hm, bringing my cat to a laser tag arena may not have been such a smart idea.

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“I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable, I am not happy. Take this back and exchange it for a proper one!”
“But.. Mr. Dougal, that’s your bank account statement…”
“Exchange it I said!!!”

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What do you say that we play the YES/NO game?
Yes!
Ha! You lost!

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My elderly aunties used to torture me at family weddings, they’d always come and ask laughingly, “So what do you think, Libby? Will you be next?”
They cut it out quite quickly once I started asking them the same question at funerals.

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It barks during the day and sleeps on the nightstand during the night. What is it?
The mother-in-law’s set of false teeth.

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Doctor talks to his patient at the end of a check-up, “Mr. Tusker, you’re obese.”
“What? Obese?! I definitely want a second opinion there.”
Doctor shrugs, “Very well, you’re also quite ugly.”

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Why didn’t the toilet paper finish crossing the road?
There was a big сrаск halfway through.

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Judge asks the defendant, “Why did you steal that car, Mr. Jones?”
Mr. Jones looks down, “I just had to get to work for an important meeting.”
The judge keeps asking, “Well why didn’t you take a bus?”
Mr. Jones looks up, surprised, “Don’t you need a special license to drive the bus?”

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An Inuit has family to stay with him for a while. He goes to pick them up from the station. When they get back to his place, his dad asks, confused – “Amaruq – wasn’t your igloo supposed to be here?”
Amaruq gasps, “Oh no! I must have left my iron switched on…”

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A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter:
“I’d like to adopt a dog. Do you have one that’s really loyal?”
The caretaker nods, “Absolutely, you should take Danny over there.”
The man is pleased, “Excellent. And you’re sure he’s really loyal?”
“Ah, you won’t find a dog more loyal than that. I placed him 5 times these past few months and he’s always come back!”

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- ”Rickie, I hate being a virgin. I’m 21 and the only entity I’ve slept with is an open window!

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Patient:
“So, doc, what’s my diagnosis?”
Doctor:
“Hmm… I don’t know how to say this…”
Patient:
“Just say it…”
Doctor:
“OK what’s your star sign?”
Patient:
“Come on! How can that be relevant?”
Doctor:
“Just humor me.”
Patient: „OK, my star sign is cancer.”
Doctor: „See, that there is no coincidence.”
Patient: …

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2 robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car, they compare their loot:
What’ve you got?
Candles, some napkins and this little pencil.
Darn it, me too.

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