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My elderly aunties used to torture me at family weddings, they’d always come and ask laughingly, “So what do you think, Libby? Will you be next?”
They cut it out quite quickly once I started asking them the same question at funerals.
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What do you say that we play the YES/NO game?
Yes!
Ha! You lost!
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“I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable, I am not happy. Take this back and exchange it for a proper one!”
“But.. Mr. Dougal, that’s your bank account statement…”
“Exchange it I said!!!”
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The North Koreans are real aces at geometry.
And no wonder – they have the Supreme Ruler.
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Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. He nudges his friend, ”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs, “You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your вuтт on fire.“
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Paul says to William in the gym:
“Say, how do you manage to look like this?”
Will shrugs modestly, “You know, lots of sports, vitamins, fresh food and a lot of smiling!”
Paul:
“And all that makes you this ugly?”
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Boss comes up to the desk of one of his employees and snaps, “Solitaire, Dockson?! Why the heck aren’t you working?”
Dockson apologizes, “I’m sorry boss, I didn’t hear you coming.”
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Healthy eating life-hack – do you know how to turn a white bread into a dark one?
Simply wait until the evening and then switch off the lights.
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At a mental hospital:
“Doctor Fergusson, what do you want us to do with the new arrival in room 18? He thinks he’s a wolf.”
Doctor Fergusson thinks for a moment, “First rule is, don’t let his grandmother in for a visit!”
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“Mom, the kids keep making fun of me, they keep laughing that my teeth are too big!”
“Oh Jamie, never mind them. And how many times do I have to ask you to try not to speak indoors, look, you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
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A man is looking at himself in the mirror and he likes what he sees, “Half an inch more and I’d be king.”
The mirror coughs discreetly, “Half an inch less and you’re a queen.”
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Two company owners are chatting over whiskey, “You know John, I’m really impressed with your staff’s work morale. How on Earth do you do it that they’re always on time in the mornings, many even early?”
John chuckles into his glass, “It’s simple but genius, really. I have 25 employees – so I built a parking lot with 20 spaces.”
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What did the question mark say to the period?
How are you not bleeding?
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A very fancy concert, the music is filling a beautiful gold-lined hall, when a guy stands up in a mid-row and shouts, “Is there a doctor here?”
The startled musicians fall a bit out of rhythm but the conductor handles things. Nobody comes forward.
“Come on, please, is there a doctor here?” the guy continues.
The conductor and the musicians are really irritated by now, but plough on.
Finally a guy in the front row stands up and says, “I’m a doctor, what’s going on?”
The guy smiles at him, “Wonderful! Isn’t this a fantastic concert, esteemed colleague?”
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Man, how can you come to work hungover like that? What the heck have you been doing yesterday?
Nothing, but the doctor told me I should have a glass of wine before going to bed.
So this is from a single glass of wine?!
No – unfortunately, I had to get up to рее multiple times in the night.
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Would you fight a dinosaur?
No way, are you crazy?
Good choice, cause you'd get jurass kicked.
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A Fishermen's Tale Zwei Schotten beim Golf Англичанин и швед играят голф. Англичанин и швед играят голф. Zwei Männer spielen Golf. Als ein Trauerzug am Golfplatz vorbeizieht stellt der eine sein Spiel ein, nimmt den Hut ab und hält inne. Sagt sein Mitspieler: Двое мужчин в возрасте играют в гольф. Один из них готовится к удару, когда замечает похоронную процессию на дороге, снимает шапку, закрывает глаза и склоняет голову в молитве. Его друг замечает: Due amici stanno trascorrendo una splendida giornata di sole giocando a golf nel loro club. Uno di loro sta per far buca con un tiro veramente facile, quando vede passare nella strada di fianco al campo la processione di un funerale. Allora si ferma all'istante, lascia cadere la mazza, si toglie... Se encontraban dos hombres jugando al golf, en uno de los campos más bonitos de la ciudad. En eso, ven pasar a un funeral al camposanto del lado. Uno de los hombres se detiene, se hinca, se persigna y reza mientras pasa el funeral. El otro hombre, asombrado dice: Hombre, te felicito, eso muestra... Zwei Golfspieler sind am 12. Grün, als ein Leichenzug vorbeikommt. Der eine hält im Spiel inne und verneigt sich kurz zu dem Leichenwagen hin. "Das war aber eine sehr noble Geste von Ihnen. ", sagt... Deux vieux anglais jouent au golf. Sur la route voisine arrive un cortège d'enterrement. Le premier anglais arrête de jouer, enlève sa casquette, tandis que passe le cortège funèbre. - Ah!, dit... Två män spelar golf. När ett liktåg passerar banan, stannar den ene och tar av sig hatten. - Det var imponerande, säger den andre. Jag vet hur galen du är i golf, och ändå stannar du upp för att... Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His... To mannfolk står og spiller golf, og den ene skal til å slå ballen i hullet, da han ser et begravelsesopptog. Han tar da av seg sin hatt og bøyer hodet. Hans kammerat sier overrasket: - Jeg viste... Están dos hombres jugando golf y en eso pasa un cortejo fúnebre por la calle adyacente al campo y uno de los hombres se quita el sombrero y se lo pone en el pecho respetuosamente. - ¡Jamás había... A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He... Dwóch Anglików w średnim wieku gra w golfa. w pewnej chwili obok pola golfowego przechodzi kondukt żałobny. Jeden z grających odkłada kij i zdejmuje czapkę. - Cóż to - dziwi się drugi - przerywa... Twee mannen zijn aan het golfen als er vlak naast de green een begrafenisstoet voorbij komt. Een van de twee mannen neemt zijn pet af en houdt deze op zijn hart. Als de stoet voorbij is zegt zijn... Unos hombres se encuentran jugando a golf y, justo al lado del campo, se encontraba un cementerio en el cual se estaba llevando a cabo un funeral. Uno de los hombres interrumpe su juego, se acerca... Dwaj starsi panowie grają w golfa. Widzą, a tu idzie marsz pogrzebowy. Jeden z nich ściąga czapkę a drugi na to: - No co Ty. Graj. - No wiesz, jednak byliśmy przez te 45 lat małżeństwem. Een begrafenisstoet komt voorbij een voetbalstadion waar de supporters nog buiten staan. Ineens komt er vanuit de groep supporters een man naar de kist, blijft er eventjes stilstaan en pakt zijn... En man och en kompis spelar golf en dag på den lokala golfbanan. En av killarna är på väg att chippa in på green när han ser ett långt begravningståg på vägen bredvid banan. Han stannar upp i... To mænd står og spiller golf, og den ene skal lige To mænd står og spiller golf, og den ene skal lige til at "Putte" bolden i hullet, da han ser et begravelses optog. Han tager sin hat af og bøjer... Twee mannen zitten in een boot onder een brug te vissen. Eén van de twee kijkt omhoog als er juist een rouwstoet voorbij komt. Hij staat meteen op, doet zijn pet af en buigt zijn hoofd. De... Un giocatore di golf si accorge che un corteo funebre sta passando lungo la strada che affianca il loro campo di gioco. Per rispetto suggerisce ai compagni: "Ragazzi, perché non ci prendiamo un... En mann og en venn spiller golf sammen en dag på den lokale golfbanen. En av mennene skal akkurat til å chippe ballen mot greenen når han ser en lang begravelsesprosesjon ved veien ved siden av... Deux Anglais sont sur un green en train de taper la balle de Golf. Soudain, un convoi funèbre passe. L'un des deux joueurs enlève son chapeau et attend le Passage, En faisant mine de se recueillir.... A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could... Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused... Doi prieteni erau într-o zi pe terenul de golf. Unul dintre ei tocmai se pregătea să lovească, moment în care zăreşte o lungă procesiune funerară trecând prin apropiere. Tipul se opreşte cu crosa... Irgendwann kommt ein Leichenzug des Weges. Der eine nimmt seine Mütze ab und senkt seinen Kopf in Richtung des Sarges. "Man, bist Du heute aber pietätvoll!", sagt der andere. "Na, schließlich war...
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments:
"That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies,
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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