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Good jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular
What do you say that we play the YES/NO game?
Yes!
Ha! You lost!
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“I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable, I am not happy. Take this back and exchange it for a proper one!”
“But.. Mr. Dougal, that’s your bank account statement…”
“Exchange it I said!!!”
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Hm, bringing my cat to a laser tag arena may not have been such a smart idea.
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Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. He nudges his friend, ”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs, “You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your вuтт on fire.“
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Paul says to William in the gym:
“Say, how do you manage to look like this?”
Will shrugs modestly, “You know, lots of sports, vitamins, fresh food and a lot of smiling!”
Paul:
“And all that makes you this ugly?”
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Boss comes up to the desk of one of his employees and snaps, “Solitaire, Dockson?! Why the heck aren’t you working?”
Dockson apologizes, “I’m sorry boss, I didn’t hear you coming.”
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Healthy eating life-hack – do you know how to turn a white bread into a dark one?
Simply wait until the evening and then switch off the lights.
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At a mental hospital:
“Doctor Fergusson, what do you want us to do with the new arrival in room 18? He thinks he’s a wolf.”
Doctor Fergusson thinks for a moment, “First rule is, don’t let his grandmother in for a visit!”
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“Mom, the kids keep making fun of me, they keep laughing that my teeth are too big!”
“Oh Jamie, never mind them. And how many times do I have to ask you to try not to speak indoors, look, you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
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A man is looking at himself in the mirror and he likes what he sees, “Half an inch more and I’d be king.”
The mirror coughs discreetly, “Half an inch less and you’re a queen.”
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“I have some bad news, Mr. Genffery, and some good news,” a doctor says to his patient who’s just had an operation.
“Alright, I want the bad one first,” Mr. Genferry gulps bravely.
“Mr. Genferry, there were some complications and as a result, we had to amputate your left leg.”
“My… my leg?! Well what’s the good news?”
“Can you see that absolute stunner of a nurse there by the window? She just agreed to be my wife!”
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What did the question mark say to the period?
How are you not bleeding?
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A very fancy concert, the music is filling a beautiful gold-lined hall, when a guy stands up in a mid-row and shouts, “Is there a doctor here?”
The startled musicians fall a bit out of rhythm but the conductor handles things. Nobody comes forward.
“Come on, please, is there a doctor here?” the guy continues.
The conductor and the musicians are really irritated by now, but plough on.
Finally a guy in the front row stands up and says, “I’m a doctor, what’s going on?”
The guy smiles at him, “Wonderful! Isn’t this a fantastic concert, esteemed colleague?”
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Man, how can you come to work hungover like that? What the heck have you been doing yesterday?
Nothing, but the doctor told me I should have a glass of wine before going to bed.
So this is from a single glass of wine?!
No – unfortunately, I had to get up to рее multiple times in the night.
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Would you fight a dinosaur?
No way, are you crazy?
Good choice, cause you'd get jurass kicked.
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A Fishermen's Tale Zwei Schotten beim Golf Англичанин и швед играят голф. Англичанин и швед играят голф. Zwei Männer spielen Golf. Als ein Trauerzug am Golfplatz vorbeizieht stellt der eine sein Spiel ein Двое мужчин в возрасте играют в гольф. Один из них готовится к удару Due amici stanno trascorrendo una splendida giornata di sole giocando a golf nel loro club. Uno di loro sta per far buca con un tiro veramente facile Se encontraban dos hombres jugando al golf Zwei Golfspieler sind am 12. Grün Deux vieux anglais jouent au golf. Sur la route voisine arrive un cortège d'enterrement. Le premier anglais arrête de jouer Två män spelar golf. När ett liktåg passerar banan Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His... To mannfolk står og spiller golf Están dos hombres jugando golf y en eso pasa un cortejo fúnebre por la calle adyacente al campo y uno de los hombres se quita el sombrero y se lo pone en el pecho respetuosamente. - ¡Jamás había... A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He... Dwóch Anglików w średnim wieku gra w golfa. w pewnej chwili obok pola golfowego przechodzi kondukt żałobny. Jeden z grających odkłada kij i zdejmuje czapkę. - Cóż to - dziwi się drugi - przerywa... Twee mannen zijn aan het golfen als er vlak naast de green een begrafenisstoet voorbij komt. Een van de twee mannen neemt zijn pet af en houdt deze op zijn hart. Als de stoet voorbij is zegt zijn... Unos hombres se encuentran jugando a golf y Dwaj starsi panowie grają w golfa. Widzą Een begrafenisstoet komt voorbij een voetbalstadion waar de supporters nog buiten staan. Ineens komt er vanuit de groep supporters een man naar de kist En man och en kompis spelar golf en dag på den lokala golfbanan. En av killarna är på väg att chippa in på green när han ser ett långt begravningståg på vägen bredvid banan. Han stannar upp i... To mænd står og spiller golf Twee mannen zitten in een boot onder een brug te vissen. Eén van de twee kijkt omhoog als er juist een rouwstoet voorbij komt. Hij staat meteen op Un giocatore di golf si accorge che un corteo funebre sta passando lungo la strada che affianca il loro campo di gioco. Per rispetto suggerisce ai compagni: "Ragazzi En mann og en venn spiller golf sammen en dag på den lokale golfbanen. En av mennene skal akkurat til å chippe ballen mot greenen når han ser en lang begravelsesprosesjon ved veien ved siden av... Deux Anglais sont sur un green en train de taper la balle de Golf. Soudain A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could... Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused... Doi prieteni erau într-o zi pe terenul de golf. Unul dintre ei tocmai se pregătea să lovească Irgendwann kommt ein Leichenzug des Weges. Der eine nimmt seine Mütze ab und senkt seinen Kopf in Richtung des Sarges. "Man
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments:
"That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies,
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up. Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.
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