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I told my girlfriend to come with me to the gym. Then I stood her up. Hopefully, she’ll realize the two of us are not going to work out.

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Two bears are observing an approaching group of knights in shiny armors.
“Ah well,” sighs one of them, “canned lunch it is.”

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Getting fат wasn’t my intention. It was a pure and clear snaccident.

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A boy and a girl kissed and hugged in a public swimming pool. Guess who needed 5 minutes longer to get out of the water?

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Honey, somebody vomited in my favorite mug.
Come on! I made lentil soup for you!

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My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.

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Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.

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Husband:
“Do you want some fries, honey?”
Wife:
“No, they just make me fат.”
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly. ***

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What five-letter-word starts with a “P” and ends with and “s”?
Pants. You pig.

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What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
The flying one has a hawk attached to its back.

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Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to formulate their demands.

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What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company building?
They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.

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A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds, shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all alone?”

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Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!”
I see “Buy eight beers, get twelve!”

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Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father:
“If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
Son:
“And what does that mean?”
Father:
“You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”
Son:
“And cautious?”
Father:
“Never make any promises.”

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What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not touch.”

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What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?
Microwaves.

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Little Johnny comes home from school and says, “We did a test today mom, and I only answered one question wrong.”
Mommy says, “Oh, nice, so you got a good mark, right?”
Little Johnny replies, “Not really. I didn’t answer the other questions at all.”

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