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Two bears are observing an approaching group of knights in shiny armors.
“Ah well,” sighs one of them, “canned lunch it is.”
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Getting fат wasn’t my intention. It was a pure and clear snaccident.
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A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a вееr before trouble starts!" He drinks his вееr and orders another, again saying, "Give me a вееr before trouble starts!" The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
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Honey, somebody vomited in my favorite mug.
Come on! I made lentil soup for you!
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My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
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Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
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Husband:
“Do you want some fries, honey?”
Wife:
“No, they just make me fат.”
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly. ***
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What five-letter-word starts with a “P” and ends with and “s”?
Pants. You pig.
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What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
The flying one has a hawk attached to its back.
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Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to formulate their demands.
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What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company building?
They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.
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What’s the difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
One is an optical illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
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Some people see “Buy two beers, get three!”
I see “Buy eight beers, get twelve!”
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Father is giving his son some life advice.
Father:
“If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”
Son:
“And what does that mean?”
Father:
“You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”
Son:
“And cautious?”
Father:
“Never make any promises.”
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What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not touch.”
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What do you get on the ocean surface in really gentle wind?
Microwaves.
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Little Johnny comes home from school and says, “We did a test today mom, and I only answered one question wrong.”
Mommy says, “Oh, nice, so you got a good mark, right?”
Little Johnny replies, “Not really. I didn’t answer the other questions at all.”
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A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries:
“I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.
The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”
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