Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence."After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.
"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.
As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."
"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."
A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"
"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."
I've seen these before but they're still funny :lol:
What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.
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This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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All your responses must be оrаl, okay? What school did you go to?
Oral.
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How old is your son - the one living with you.
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
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What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
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Sir, what is your IQ?
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
We both do.
Voodoo?
We do.
You do?
Yes, voodoo.
====================================================.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
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The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Were you present when your picture was taken?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Did he кill you?
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How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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How many times have you committed suicide?
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So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?
====================================================.
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
====================================================.
You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And you took your new wife?
====================================================.
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
====================================================.
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?
====================================================.
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====================================================.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Remarks Never Heard at Daytona 500:
- None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.
- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!
- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!
- Sеx with your sister? Man, that's sick.
- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.
- Hey, you with the large вrеаsтs, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.
- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.
- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Ноотеrs, too.
- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.
- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.
- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.
- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.
