Jokes about Police Officers

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I was playing pool with a black man in America today when he had to stretch across the table to рот a ball.
The police barged in to the place and shot him for resisting a rest.

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Just a note to anyone thinking of breaking into and entering my home: Due to the high cost of ammunition, NO warning shots will be fired.
The police will only be of use drawing a chalk line around you.

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A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, “A man was badly beaten up in the pub last night, he has a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and 2 black eyes.”
“Really?” I asked.
He said, “Yes, we think it was you.”
I said, “Well it wasn’t me, look at my face.”

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So this guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over. …
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He comes up to the man and asks, “Why were you speeding today sir?” …
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The man replies, “I’m a juggler in a circus, and I’m late for my next show. I apologize. I assume you’ll be needing my license and registration.” …
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The cop looks intrigued, and says “whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggling! If you let me film you for a minute and send it to my daughter, I’ll let you go with a warning.” …
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The juggler says, “officer, I don’t have my equipment with me, I had to ship it separately.” the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back five flares from his car and lights them. …
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The juggler effortlessly starts to toss and catch the flaming flares and the officer is very impressed.
Meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out, stumbles into the back seat of the police car, and closes the door. the officer slowly approaches, hand on his gun, and says “sir, I’m going to have to ask you to slowly step out of the vehicle.”
The man looks at the cop and chuckles, his words slurred, “sorry officer but I ain’t never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there”

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Yo mama so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
"Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said,
"Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

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The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there.

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A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."

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An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was rареd. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."

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We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says,
"You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies,
"Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a Mexican prison. They committed a сriме and have been sentenced to death. The women are instructed to say when they are ready for the firing squad to shoot and кill them. The brunette is called up. She says,
"Ready, aim, tornado!" Afraid of an approaching funnel cloud, the police quickly turn around and the brunette runs away. Once regrouped, the redhead is summoned. She says,
"Ready, aim, earthquake!" Fooled again, the police quickly turn around to get cover while the redhead runs away. Then it's the blonde's turn, who says,
"Ready, aim, fire!"

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There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said,
"Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said,
"Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said,
"Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked,
"Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked,
"Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked,
"Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

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A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunк.”

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A police officer sees a blonde woman crying under a street lamp on the sidewalk. He asks her what's wrong and if there's anything he can do to help. The blonde replies,
"I lost my wedding ring." The officer asks, "Okay, where did you drop it?" The blonde says,
"About a block away, but the light is better here."

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There's a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles. The man finally stops and the officer tells him, "When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!" The man says,
"Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving." The officer says,
"I've heard every excuse in the book, but if it's one I haven't heard, I'll let you go." The man says,
"Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back." So the officer let him go.

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A nакеd man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the оrgаn.

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A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?"
"No sir, it all happened so fast!"

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