Jokes about Police Officers

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If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunк it's a taxi.

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A mysterious hole in the road appeared over night. No one knows how it got there.
Police are looking into it.

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A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle.
OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it?
KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying:
"Нuмр on it before Derek wakes up!"

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A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says,
"Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says,
"Okay, now what?"

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A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says:
"You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says:
- "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says:
- "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says:
"Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

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A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver’s license.
The motorist digs around in her purse but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home, officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see.” So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “O Fсuк!!!, if I’d known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

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One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.

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A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"

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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had"? he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked,
"How badly did he play"?

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A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police.
The man says," Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I'm not taking any chances this time!"

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A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.
His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."
There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.
"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"
She said,
"Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

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“Am I allowed to call a police officer a сunт?”
“No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult.”
“Would it be OK if I called a сunт ‘Officer’?”
“Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed.”
“Good night, Officer.”

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A police man pulls over a drunк driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."

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I saw the judge actually sentence somebody to 140 years. This guy jumped up, told the judge, 'Man, I can't do 140 years!' The judge said, 'Do what you can.'

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Five worst things to shout during sеx.
1. “Die !!!”
2. “Prematurus Ejacularus”
3. “Police… help!”
4. “Sieg heil mein Führer!”
5. “I love you mum.”

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Even though I was a self-defense instructor in college, I still get really scared sometimes. The other night, I don't know what happened, but somehow, I managed to get my head stuck in the security bars outside of my bedroom window. I was trying to see if somebody could break in. Very, very early the next morning, I determined that they could not.

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Had a really great night out last night according to my police report.

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Police - “What’s your emergency?”
Me - “Two girls are fighting over me.”
Police - “OK, so what’s the problem?”
Me - “The fат one’s winning.”

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